Jasmine's blog

2010-05-18T18:04:00.002+08:00

Since no one, and I mean no one is coming here any longer, I am going to write things I am never going to say out loud. Ever.

That F-ing teacher. Stupid professor. Who does he think he is? Who do they think they are? I really hope they'd die horribly! What kind of a cover-up is that? If they have made a mistake, F-ing admit it! The Singaporean education system is not the worst, but this sector, this school, is the worst school I have ever have the misfortune of enrolling in!
I blame it on the people there. I blame it on Singapore. I am going there to learn something and am not going there to learn helplessness or obedience or any kind of this **** you are throwing at us to suck up. I have a right to speak my opinions of this school. Doesn't matter how you discredit it or whether there are DIRE consequences when I expose you. Doesn't matter how you make excuses and keep exerting you are right when you are WRONG. A professor like you, no, a person like you, stripped of all the PHDs, will never, ever, go far in life. When life throws something bad at you, you exert that you are right and blame all the circumstances that you are wrong. Seriously, and you are a Singaporean. Shame on you for protecting your ****ing self interest. Shame on you and your high education. Looks like it has all gone to waste on someone like you. Other professors NOT of your profession are more willing to take a step back and look at what exactly was wrong. And they actually prove that they are right. And you, exert that you are right in a series of "I have a higher rank than you do and have a louder voice and I control all your current and future results"...this is clearly an abuse of power. Because you didn't show any ****ing evidence. You showed nothing. Even an extension was given, not due to "oh, you are given very little time, so we understand...", but "oh you ****ing little children, your work is trash. I am giving you an extension to give me something more than trash." Oh yea. Oh yea. So our work is trash huh? Why don't you give us something of substance? Remember, not only can you hold a grudge against the students, we can hold a grudge against you. Oh, and I do hope no one knows you are a singaporean, you bootlicker. Cunning, self-proclaimed person of justice and education.

2009-12-03T18:05:00.001+08:00

failed in my attempt to change my blogskin so now i change it back...):

2009-10-22T04:02:00.001+08:00

1) Changed the skin.
2) Cyn, don't get offended, it's yours too, and anyway, I'll tell you what I'm planning later.
3) More more rain - it is too dark.

2009-10-06T04:02:00.001+08:00

Darn.
I couldn't let go of this little webbie of mine.

Gotta find an outlet somehow.

1) Organic chem ** Quiz
2)the above's lab report
3) accounting ** QUIZ this friday! ):
4) Intro to bio ** QUIZ ):
5) ...accounting presentation
6) minor in entrepreneurship interview
7) Biostatistics assignment
8)Biomolecules lab report

...man. Half of it isn't even bio. And there is the midterms and the exams and the assignments and the lab reports and the presentations...

I...want to find more time to draw. Seriously, uni life is super...er...busy.

And I keep losing my stuff. D:

hehehe. Anyway. I hope I can do well. People taking my course, those in NS now especially, wanna think twice? If you are sure, then go for it. My friends are those who are planning to become fusion doctors in the future. Which is not in my to-do list. I wasn't even betting on becoming one.

Gotta say though. the people here are really really nice and dynamic.

Happy though - my biz law presentation is well presented. good job everyone! (:

Gotta work on my tutorial now...due tomorrow also. ):

2009-08-01T12:34:00.000+08:00

Whoa. Feels like an eternity since I've updated. And this, well, will be the last blog post I'll ever make on this blog. Hahaha, it sounds so weird. I remember starting this with so much purpose. Point is, there is no reason for me to continue updating this. It is repeating everything I've experienced all over again - and multiply that by the number of people I told. It is getting tiresome and it is pretty obvious that I'm never going to read through all my blog posts without blushing. I've also stopped drawing.
A lot has happened - good, bad and irritating (over the month).
I daresay I've grown. Anyway, this blog will be useless when I'm going over to university anyway. I'm not going to write about anything important and no one is following this blog - save my sisters, sweet girls - and so my blogging experience comes to an end. Part of this ends because one, I've seen how easily one can search for blogs. Two, I've really nothing important to share. Three, if there were, these are things that I've to ultimately face on my own anyway. Reflecting it back isn't going to do any good and could drive someone into depression when they see only the flaws and never the good.

Hehehe. Now that that was wrapped up, let's just say that I'm really happy with who I am, who I meet, and what I'm going to do in the future. For those people who aren't my sisters (and they'll really flog me for closing this down) and still reading this, I wish you the best in your studies, your work and your futures. Thank you for your concern (though there aren't that many people concerned about me, but hahaha, I must make it end...well, like an ending, somewhat). :D Byebye and hopefully I'll see you soon!

2009-06-06T22:24:00.002+08:00

Ok, I feel like a total nerd and game freak blogging about this, but Golden Sun 3 is (finally) announced! (At least, it will be out sometime in 2010!) This really made my day - the game's really good. And, I thought Camelot's forgotten about the series altogether and gave up hope years ago. And because no one in my family cared enough to share my joy over a video game, I'm writing my excitement into my blog. It's a sad thing to be so happy over something that actually means something to me and nothing to others. Anyway, it is developed for the DS and the trailer is amazing! It is so, so cool! But then, the thing is going to be shelved away for university life, unless I can find the time in the holidays.

On the other hand, Gyakuten Kenji is out! :D
I want to play it, but I can't understand Japanese. Even the demo's half as fun because I needed confirmation on what's said in there. I'll wait until December for the english version then. D:

Why doesn't the (good) games get released whenever I'm available??? It's not like I'm very busy now.

2009-05-17T17:05:00.002+08:00

The best thing about being an A level student is the number of tea parties you can join. The worst thing about going to tea parties is telling the professors the wrong flavour of their tea.

2009-04-24T16:05:00.002+08:00

zomg, zomg, zomg. I've never been so happy in my entire life (ok, so I've never been so happy since this year)!

I'll go treat my family to something nice today! XD

I'm -insert words of joy- ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!! ACCEPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-06T19:17:00.002+08:00

You know...I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Not cry - because my results are ok, but...

Personal achievement - tick.
Able to go to lots of unis - tick.

...Well. I really really dislike it when my family think I could do better. I really do, because I think I did my best.

2009-02-23T08:18:00.002+08:00

Since I've got the time, why not? My legs are so painful right now I can't bear to walk. And my grandmother gave me a lecture on the experience of growing old. Looking at her, I kind of wonder. I've seen the difference between the young and the old.

Let's start from a few days ago - where my life's supposed to be a little more interesting.

Saturday - the class bbq. I am grateful for the opportunity to interact with all of them, perhaps even for the last time. It is so heartwarming to see everyone there. Of course, I got to know more about things I've never heard before. No one's changed very much though - even if they did, it is for the better. Minru's cut her hair. NS boys looked a little fitter and have a little more energy. Speaking of NS...broken legs, broken backs, losing consciousness...I worry for my brother...and my sister. Well, speaking of jobs, there are many people who hadn't had any, just like me. It's good to know that I'm not the only one slacking for a change. I've enjoyed myself there, without really knowing why. The ambience is there I guess - good food, good people, and a nice scenery.

Sunday - Usually, a sunday is used for good, long rests at home. I went to join Shi Wei on a training program. That thing is a failure from the start. MLMs are really not my kind of thing - exploitation upon exploitation upon many many layers of sugar-coated words. Even then, I agreed to come for another session, as long as Shi Wei's there. Their training is contradictory in so many ways I wanted to leave there and then. And no, I've decided that MLM sales is not my kind of thing, and the world will do so much better without it. It may give you the pay you want, perhaps the short-term $18000/mth may entice you, but it is loads and loads of work without meaning. I went home and told my mum about it. She started advising me not to go to the thing, completely oblivious to the fact that I am deciding not to go already. Oh well, it strengthened my resolve, I guess. I originally wanted to go for it for the experience, but...

After that, I've celebrated my mother's birthday. Then, it is a long walk back home. I really didn't want to walk thereafter.

2009-02-04T03:23:00.002+08:00

I have seen this in many films before. Lots of blood, yells of pain. I just never thought I'd see this in real life.

I was sitting in the hospital A & E section, for the first time in my life. Meanwhile, I saw the ambulance bringing in patient after patient. I'm thankful that my father's arm is able to recover. I've seen the saw he was holding before. I know how dangerous it is.

No fear or panic overrides that of your loved one in pain. I was initially angry at him for waking me up, but upon seeing so much blood dripping, my anger vanished. I felt gulity that I never woke up earlier. It was a really memorable experience - it is not that fright or thrill you get from shock, but a sense of urgency to get him to the hospital as soon as possible.

The cut was pretty big, needing 7 stitches (7cmlong) and had narrowly missed his bone. It cut through a large vein, accounting for the huge blood loss.

Going to the hospital during the Chinese New Year - what a inauspicious sign.

2009-01-24T07:23:00.002+08:00

Never, ever go to urbandictionary.com to search your name. Honestly, I didn't know that lots of people dislike 'Jasmine' to the extent that most of the definitions are pretty much about 'slut'/...etc. You get the drift.

I guess no one can rightly define a name. Because it isn't you. :D

2009-01-18T06:01:00.003+08:00

Woot! It's long overdue, girl friends!

I finally got to go out with the both of you! Funny how something I wanted for 2 years is decided in less than five minutes. Anyway, I went shopping with Shu wei and Syafiqah, and being the miserly girl I am, though I have brought lots of money with me, didn't use it. It is fun trying to choose clothes for Shu wei though - I've bought my chinese new year clothes and unless I lose 10 over kg, I won't get to buy new ones to wear (because my clothes would still fit me). Oh, no. I remember now. Her name is Shi wei now. Remember that, Jas. Her name still gives me the LOL sometimes though.

Syaf looks just as radiant as ever. Tall, slim and model-like, no? Her school sounds really fun. (maybe it is my closed-up, introverted character that made everything fun turn kinda boring...) I really should find more opportunities to meet her - she'll be able to find things to do. Fun things? Anyway, the window shopping was kind of cut short because Shi wei (damn, it is hard.) got to go to her piano lesson. Speaking about that, I wish she'd leave her (kinda overbearing) teacher. I want her to regain her passion for piano! She'd want it too, if not for her abusive teacher.

I fulfil the job of the worrier for the As. No one really wants to start talking about it and NO I DON'T WANT MY RESULTS BACK. Oh, and that was met with a resounding yes. I want it as late as possible so that I won't have to face disappointment and such. Not now, after...

Ah yes. I remember. TO CYNTHIA: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR O LEVEL RESULTS!

That girl's got potential. Honestly, 6 points? That is really low for me. I feel so proud of her. I went around telling everybody how she fared. And she could be a little less smug about it. Telling me "I finally beat you." doesn't really make me feel very good about myself. I'd say that out of the three children she'll be most likely going to achieve a PHD.

Bugis Junction has clothes and food that are really expensive, but of good quality. I need to grow out my hair and wear skirts. Shi wei (darn, again) needs to keep her original name and wear dresses for once. Syafiqah needs to...wait a minute. Syaf's perfectly fine (at least to my knowledge). That concludes the shopping trip.

Oh yes, we talked about boys for a little while. Odd, because we usually don't talk about them at all. We really have very little crushes during this JC life. Syaf wonders (with my sister) when the two of us are going to wear women's clothing. I'd say - when I lose 10 kg first (and that is impossible). I don't look good in them, especially modern women's clothing.

In the end, I went home and asked my sis about her opinion of that bread-like stressball I saw during the trip - and she told me "Who in the round world will buy fake bread??!"

That's me, I guess.

2009-01-06T05:11:00.003+08:00

It is A LONG TIME! OMG I LOVE YOU! XD

Ironically, the time I took NOT to update this little diary of mine has made me somewhat(or actually) A LOT HAPPIER. Not that I didn't want to, but there aren't really many things worth mentioning that isn't part of growing up. :D

Not only didn't I contact anyone (pretty sad really, because to contact to my real anti-social side...hell, I even isolated myself from my sisters by moving out of ther room). Darn, just thought about me sleeping in the living room with all the rats running around. Well, I can't move my tablet anywhere, SO THERE. I am moving out of that cramped, air-conditioned room to enjoy life in the living room. And I have eyes everywhere. :3

Well, one of the reasons why I never seen anyone online (besides Panda [O_o? Why is he up so late?] is because the times I go online ar between 1 to 4 am. Maybe 5, when I thought about going online. Ah, who cares. I'm going to write nonsense for the next few paragraphs because it is just so great to blog after a long long long time!

This is probably one of the few times I am going to blog anyway. 2009? Bah. It is just another year. For better or worse, I am going to survive and be happy.

I don't get the hype about the countdown. D:

Adwin's crying again - got to go. X3

2008-11-26T02:54:00.002+08:00

Aaah. What an eventful week. Too eventful. I realised that everyone else is having more interesting lives than I. Shuwei's got a job to complain about and the other one...haven't got the opportunity to check. After a heartbeat's reflection, I decided to leave my life as it is. I don't want to gain the job experience, at least, not yet.

Anyway, Adwin's integrated into the family, and now smiles whenever he sees me. And well, I humour him. He wriggles all the time on his cot, excited. I hear Shuwei's experiences in her hellish job involving 4 year olds and looked at my brother - no, he won't terrorise us. Not me at least.

Perhaps I should go online once in a while. But what would I do there? Communicate with air? I'd rather not. Oh well, my holidays are packed. Malaysia tomorrow, Bintan next week, and maybe Thailand the week after. No, not because friends arranged it, but my family suddenly received quite a few holiday packs as prizes. Maybe I'll check out the hotel casinos in Bintan, as I'm eighteen by then(I think they'll let me in without checking my passport, won't they?)

Oh well, I'll laze my holidays away if I didn't plan something for myself. But my table's dismantled to create space for the christmas tree. Where am I going to sit at now?

2008-11-18T12:20:00.002+08:00

Owww. Now I remember the horrible feeling of teething. I wish my wisdom teeth had grown with all the other molars so that I could get them over with, but no~, these teeth have to grow one by one. I don't care for these teeth and I don't mind not having them. Those who have experienced it before, and never thought the pain was anything, tell me how to get over it without taking painkillers. I couldn't believe that I am taking this pain into the examination room.

Fine, I know I am whining. OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

2008-11-15T22:58:00.002+08:00

What is a friend? Who will you call your friend? Will you mourn for a lost friendship?

Fought with my sister over such silly and simple questions. And I don't care that I am an anti-social hermit who loves staying at home. I really dislike her. I mean, really. What happened to familial support? They are essentially unfit to be good sisters. To tell me to study with her during her O levels and her corresponding promise to study with me during my As - now her promise is totally invalid, because she realised that her exams end a week earlier. Insensitive git. You did that once when I was studying for my O levels. Now it is the A levels. With my third sister. You have currently seen 4 movies and ploughed through 2 chinese series. You've played many games and went shopping everyday. When I want to use MY computer to go to access learning content you snatch it back - "Jas, go study." I don't care about your need for play, but a promise is a promise.

And this is the reason why I hate being the eldest child. I admit - I have a childish way of thinking things through. I do not even look as mature as my other 2 sisters. I don't even command the authority of the eldest child in the house. It is always the second child. Always her. And who calls their elder brothers and sisters by their name anyway? Not a typical chinese family. I can understand why the "middle child syndrome" is not working for her - because she have always gotten her way. Now that the love was focused on Adwin, she got jealous. That boy is innocent! You flogged him until he cried! Inhumane little- no one hits a child only 2 months old. He doesn't even know enough to understand good from bad. And my mum didn't even blame her. They are too soft-hearted.

I have half a mind to tell her - she is just a DOG. A jolly, mindless follower who follows the spendthrift habits of her friends even if she disapproves of it. A love-hate hypocrite with an unstable relationship with her friends. Never contributes to discussions as her POVs aren't heard. Come on. If they abandoned you to talk to one another, it is high time you found your own friend. If you don't want to, then don't socialise at all - it is not worth your time. Not unless you are content to stare at them from afar and stay alone, it is your choice.

I know that my parents and I have this particular star that you don't. I know we are destined (and do have) less of a social life than what you had. And we are happy people. Calm people. We stand up for what we think and say them. If it is fruitless, we will just keep quiet. And we are concerned about your safety.

I hate you. Very much.

You think the family should bow down to you. You think that you have done no wrong hitting a 2 month old baby 5 times with a makeshift whip. You monster. You don't know that without us your status as a dog will diminish and your "friends" will disappear. You are NOT like my third sister. Jul needs no help in managing her life and friends. You, however, had no idea how deep you have sunk into that trench.

You will curry-favour them until the day you die. And no one gives a damn.

2008-11-14T23:10:00.002+08:00

Now everyone thinks I'm moving on to poly.

Mother asks - "which poly course? ERM, to prepare you know..."

Father is comforting himself. "Jas, you cannot go Uni, never mind we will support you. Poly, overseas, whatever, try your best. If not, come manage the rental business."

I thank them for their support but at the same time wonder - what made them think that way? Maybe the aura of failure just hangs around me, I don't know.

General comment: A-levels = all subjects seem so...insecure to me. So, I really don't know where I stand. After hearing some really negative comments about the chem MCQ, I decided to relook the thing when I got back. Oh well, maybe I shouldn't. I could actually spot my own mistakes. Argh.

On my mother:
One has to be real careful about her and Adwin now. Her temperament seems to depend on his mood swings. The best time to approach her now is when Adwin is smiling toothlessly at all the idiots smiling back, me included. I miss the lazy Mummy sometimes. Adwin's made all of us mircaulously hardworking. All for his smile.

And today has to be the most embarrassing day of my life. Of all the times I fell, this time is the most malu - I fell at the side of the bus, in front of all the horrified commuters at the back door like the opening of some horrible comedy film - and I was just walking past the bus stop, reserved and dignified when that happened. What a major hit to my pride. Of course, I wouldn't have minded if someone actually laughed it off, or even helped me (but it is kind of impossible in the split second that the bus back door opened). But no, they just stood there mouths agape like goldfishes. Those sitting on the benches didn't help either. So much for being helpful Singaporeans. I've got to understand why I keep falling and others don't.

2008-11-06T13:14:00.002+08:00

Hypocrite 1: My sister
2: My father

I don't trust what they say. And I hate the fact that they are liars.

2008-11-06T02:29:00.003+08:00

It is really tiring. I don't know whether I'll be able to stay awake for chem and then face maths again the next day.

...

Why did I take the A-levels again?

2008-09-02T00:23:00.002+08:00

I shall allow for only one selfish thought - I actually wish Adwin was born a few years ago. Don't know why - he is a tiny human who will look at nothing for no apparent reason, will cry at nothing for no apparent reason. And it is human nature to love only what we understand. It is amusing, really, his quirks. Understanding him is harder than understanding my notes. How, then is he going to integrate into this family? When he looks so other-worldly in the first place? Give him time, my mother said. A baby truly is one of the more angelic things you see in life, and certainly one of beauty. On the other hand, the shock you feel when he coughs, cries...you'd think the world is about to end.

And no, he will always be a unique person in this family. We cannot help him in many ways - the entire family could not. If he desperately needed blood transfusions in the future, all of us will only watch at the sidelines, unable to ease him pain. Nevertheless, he is my brother, a brother who'll most probably be only middle age when I die of old age, most likely the last one to remain living within my nucleated family. I dislike being the eldest, but looking at my sisters, I dislike being in their positions more. Oh well. Enough of this pointless splash of words on the screen. Going reflective all the time gives you no more time for anything else.

2008-08-21T19:50:00.003+08:00

Thanks Annabella for the encouraging words. =)

2008-07-27T13:46:00.002+08:00

After experiencing the worst day of my schooling life, I guess, the only way the subsequent days could go is better. Oh well. Just did one MCQ bio practice and was like, what is that?

2008-07-22T19:05:00.002+08:00

Hey. I'll bet no one's here anymore. Yesterday, my father tried (how nice of him) to motivate my really sad sister. Well, he kind of succeeded in doing that, but made my third sister super dismal in the process. Well, you can say he showed us our divinations. Things that we never noticed suddenly became so apparent. Glaringly apparent, actually. I never thought that my loneliness could coincide so badly with my life this year. No wonder I always felt so alone even in the presence of friends. It sounds juvenile, but it really straightened things out. You might even say it enlightened me, and made me understand why I turned out like this (I don't even know why I hanged out alone with myself).

So why did my third sister cry? She's got a fate I wish on no one. At first we kind of teased her about it, but it seems like she really took it very seriously. I saw a more humane side to her though, something that does not involve spend-thrift ways and narcissism and mirrors. "What good is money when you don't have...?"

Well, fill that out yourself. It is hard to find someone with everything in life. My third sister had a life full of baubles and riches, but she recognised that she had the potential to lose something more precious to her than anything else. I've never thought my second sister to be dumb. In fact, she wasn't. The ironic thing is that she might be one of us who could go on to University, get Permanent Head Damage and then come back to lecture us on the many philosophies and theories.

One will learn a lot about a person when you looked through the 8 pillars of life. Things like friends lace my second sister's entire lifetime, while the lonesome star follows me throughout life. Punishments in the form of ingratitude and no respect also follows us (though greatly dampened). I can draw and that is shown in the star of arts.

It shows the potential. It shows a person. But this doesn't show a life. There is more to it than that.

2008-07-09T19:33:00.002+08:00

You know the feeling you get when people around me told me - well - "I told you so." My mother sighed and wondered why her girl had turned so lazy. After spending an eternity chiding me on my irresponsibility. I wonder when she'll get over my results - she is more worried about me than I am. I'm so lucky.

It is perhaps for the best that I haven't put in (much) effort after all. And it reflects on my maths paper. And come to think of it - all the others too. I'm pretty much spared from the disappointment. But like I said - I am NEVER going to start studying 3 days before an important exam again. So, back to the rigorous cirriculum. This is one incident I came so close to regretting. But hey, why should I, when I have little to lose and more to gain from the experience?

2008-06-25T23:19:00.002+08:00

You know. I think this MYE will have even worse results than last year's. Last year - 3Us. Who knows, I might break my record. This coming from someone who only studied 3 days, so yea, I think the rest of the cohort aren't going to think like that. But nvm.

2008-06-23T23:51:00.003+08:00

From Secondary One: You've blamed everyone but yourself. You never called me by my name but curse words. You demand absolute attention and is an icon of rebellion. I wanted so badly to turn the tables, but hey, I am not one for violence...yet. Carry on with the abuse and I'll implode. And I'd lash out. Very very violently. Sometimes, I wonder where the cute, lovely girl went. You've unleashed a demon within and I am sorry to say that I can't stop you from changing. For four whole years. I fear you'd turn out like my relatives. Unreasonable, obnoxious and jealous. I'd rather see you smile. Is there anything I can do besides to lie back and accept?

2008-06-22T17:38:00.001+08:00

I'm never going to do this again. NEVER, EVER, going to start studying three days before my exams. Never.

2008-05-27T23:31:00.002+08:00

Chocolate. Think an autistic child with a strong love for her mother and her family. That, and the fact that she has legs seemingly made of iron - making her the main character of the current female Ong Bak in Thailand. Breathtakingly beautiful, she fought without thought about her life for the people around her. Let's divert from the actress and her equally pretty mother. The movie makes use of interesting camera angles and aptly edited sound effects and background effects. The choreography is also well coordinated, though dangerous. It changes one's perseption of autistic children. Just like the Cube, the autistic person are depicted to have amazing abilities that were too often neglected by the general populace. Really though, the women minions in there with strangely masculine voices and exaggerated hairstyles are creepy. Not in the ghostly-creepy, but the creepiness in which you have to question their gender. Not that it is important, but if the villian had really straight tastes by going after the mother, then why surround himself with transexuals? Just a silly thought, haha.

2008-05-27T02:30:00.002+08:00

Whoa. My computer gurgled. It actually did, like it didn't like what I was installing. I stopped installation and there the whirling stopped. There it is again, after I type this sentence. I think my computer is alive. It's been going through mood swings since its trip to the repair shop. And the people there told my mum that there is no saving it - it's insides are going to disintegrate with any small bump and instructed her to be really careful. Well, it's nice knowing your close friend's going to die soon.

I've read Jodi Picoult's Nineteen minutes and felt really sorry for the boy. I've never got bullied before, but I admit to being part of a gang of girls in my school. And I've never shown them false sides. Only during this time though. But why create a mask? There isn't a need to. Those who can't accept your personality can go and wallow in their dislike. It seems as though masks are fads or something. Nice things to wear, really, but it creates an illusion. I've had enough of them. Even then, those days with a mask on could change you. After reading the book, the thought that stood out most was that - you don't deserve to die. As to who it is, read it and marvel at the way she wrote the book. Of course, I don't recommend this to very young readers, but it is a real tragic story with love, masks, friends being the main things that drive readers to continue reading on. It is humiliation taken to a whole new level, and redefines a reader's meaning of 'fun'. I like the book. It gouges into a lonely child's heart and shows the raw emotions through vivid and exciting storytelling. This was one book I haven't been able to put down, not without crying.

2008-05-24T19:31:00.002+08:00

I couldn't believe my attitude today. Really, I don't usually scoff at people and keep very silent with the intent of looking down. But I did so, trying to persuade my mother that the course of action she was taking was unsuitable. I was stunned when she continued on and on and on while all I wanted was to get out of that suffocating place. And that nice lady was there was wondering why I looked so irritated. Perhaps it was the knowledge that I had to turn up in tomorrow's class that got me so wound up. I hate tuition. Even if it was given free (one-time only), I still don't want to accept it. It is like throwing your parent's money into the sea, wasteful and unnecessary...

I really need help. But I think the help can be derived elsewhere. Why not ask my cousins or something? He might be the only cousin I could ask for help without getting a backlash from my relatives, but that's better than wasting money. I know money is hard to earn and I am going to make it all up to you, but please be frugal.

2008-05-21T18:33:00.002+08:00

oww. My feet hurt from all the walking. Oh yes, while I'm walking home, I saw many people smoking. And while walking past them, I coughed loudly (sometimes I will pass a negative remark or so). This is a meagre attempt to shame a smoker, for his own good. Hahaha, brings me to the time when a smoker hurriedly stopped smoking and went back to his office after my sister and I loudly complained. It wouldn't help in solving the root of thier problems (they'll need a psychiatrist to do that) but it makes them more conscious of where they smoke, and how many times. Some might be driven to quit, but most would just avoid smoking in crowded areas. For the second-hand/passive smokers, and for those in the vicinity. I dislike smokers with a vengeance because my grandfather smokes - his cigarette fumes fill up the whole house. It triggered off my asthma attacks one too many times and caused my grand mother to have lung cancer. I have no idea why he didn't get it though - the NO SMOKING campaign did say that passive smokers have a higher risk of getting smoking related diseases and health problems.

It was worth spending recess with my class - good interaction and generally happy people. I spent the soccer time with my friend though. One, I dislike sitting in front of the loudspeaker and two, I wanted to meet some friends from VJC. Spending time with her, though, meant lots of walking. We came back from our mini-exploration of the stadium which involve talking to passers-by and getting ourselves drinks in time for the second and most important goal of MJC's 2008 soccer finals. Then we went back to take a breather outside. The stadium was stuffy and warm. It affected me so much that after I've taken my bag to settle something important, on hearing the exorbant and enthusiastic cheers of the meridians, I immediately left, there and then. I waited outside and heard the school song being played. I concluded that our college won. On further probing, I realised that not 1 goal was scored on either side since half-time. Which was a pity, for then I will not regret not paying attention to the match unfolding before me. The sense of triumph and elation was overwhelming when our side scored, really. I actually could kind of understand why soccer fans are glued to, well, the world cup matches.

As compared to my original plan of reading Zenith in the soccer match, I could say that the day was better spent with Shuwei and Co. I live by everyday with communication. Looking to the sides of me, I realised that the environment is not right for that sort of thing. Min Ru can't hear what I say over the racket and vice versa. I don't know the other guy.

Ok. Class. If you're reading and was paying attention during class, you would have known that I was collecting money again. Joshua has over a hundred to claim from me and I don't have the ready cash to meet that. So, next time we meet, please hand me $20 (thinking about the $10, after paying Joshua we'd have nothing to pay for the incoming notes for term 3). Yes, we're slowly buying the class presents. One more and we've done our classmates justice.

2008-05-19T08:49:00.002+08:00

So the past three days, my sister sauntered in to my room at various times, looked to the bed, and remarked, "Jas, you're slacking." To which I would reply, "Same goes to you."

And yesterday was TV marathon day. Feeling left out of my sisters' computer games, I plopped myself in front of the big screen and pretended to have all the time in the world, surfing various channels. Every Channel but Channel news Asia is quite interesting - it was sunday. I switched to Channel news asia and it is like the China eathquake, SiChuan Province, Myanmar (Cyclone?) Emergency and even more recently, Hurricane H (couldn't remember the name) that hit the Philippines. Now we've three countries to send aid to.

I never remembered GIANT natural disasters to have such a short lag time between each. Even the 2004 Tsunami (I dunno, lots of people just call the disaster The Tsunami) and Hurricane Katrina were at least more than a month apart. It is a chain of natural disasters. I heard my mother say it was God's will, but I feel that even God is unable to untangle us from the web of pollution that causes greenhouse effect that had caused the volatile climate changes and natural disasters. Winter this year lasted terribly long for China and many European countries. And people are unable to get back home to celebrate Chinese New Year.

Let us help all that we can from this side and keep our hopes aflame for the safety and recovery of these affected countries.

2008-05-16T15:46:00.003+08:00

I cried while listening to this - Noah's ark. I never knew an orchestral piece quite so beautiful - not only because of its difficulty, but because I tried to play the clarinet pieces in it before. I actually wished that I was present as a spectator at the concert then. I was not as good as my peers or my seniors, and never wanted to practice as hard as them. Even then...

2008-05-13T19:04:00.002+08:00

I was thinking about SPA. Nothing much, but thinking about the marks I need to score to compare with those with full marks. You've got to take into consideration moderation too. Whatever questions I can do, there are people who can do the questions too with even greater speed, greater accuracy. The people in my class I term them as talent. What about the geniuses who are present in Singapore and have yet to show their skills? What about the foreigners? They will be the top of the top. The least I can do is to keep up and be average - and I am nowhere near that. The best thing I can do is just to stop disappointing myself.

And now I chide myself for thinking too much. Always thinking. Nonsense, mostly. If I'm not careful, the nonsense will mould itself into another personality or something. LOL, it happens. What actually started of as a smooth journey filled with confidence and driven by self-interest had somehow mutated into different ups and downs and inserted with different acts of kindness and disappointments.

2008-05-11T22:07:00.002+08:00

Hmm. I can see why a couple of my friends dislike living for more than 60 years. It's terrible, knowing that your children has forsaken you and left you to the world alone. For this unfillial act, I want to make sure he gets the deserved retribution - that he, too, will have an unfiliial child. However, looking at the kind eyes of my grandmother, I forgot about the acts done to draw the tears from her tired eyes. She's got no one visiting her on Mother's day except my father. And she has seven children. Where had they all gone? She never gave less love to any of her children, yet only one remains. And even the other son who was deemed more mature and more trustworthy shows his true colours during desperate times.

Her husband's gone, and with that, her family disintegrated. I do not understand why no one loves her as a mother anymore. She hasn't changed - she still loves. She still holds my hands in hers and ask me how I was. She still looks forward to our arrival at home. She is still lonely. In between the war of my relatives, she sees, she cries, she forgives. I cannot not forgive that unruly uncle of mine when my own grandmother, the victim, hadn't put the blame on him at all. She blames no one and just bitterly accepted the fact that her second son had cut ties with her, taken her money, and blamed everyone - from my grandmother to my father.

And to think I admired him once for treating my grandmother well. His only daughter will never learn about this. I thought of letting her know what her respectable father is, but I suspect that it will do more harm than good. A selfish act of mine to appease my anger will result in even more sadness.

Anyway, my grandmother is coming over in July! No one can harm her here any longer. And yep, in the short span of 2 months (July-August), there will be 2 new additions to the family. The more, the merrier. Now, if only there's a way to clean up my room to my grandmother's standard...she'd set cleanliness as the first priority. Sigh. =)

2008-05-08T22:35:00.001+08:00

I'm nocturnal. So I wake up at ungodly hours and sleep during school hours. Darn.

2008-05-07T20:03:00.002+08:00

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No t-test. Confirm level 5/6. Hope 7, but Mr Tan never gives leeway for that. Today really is a joke.

After going through that horrible SPA test with gastric, I bought hot chocolate in an attempt to soothe the pain. Then I fell, hot beverage and everything and split in all on my uniform. I'll never ever buy hot chocolate to soothe gastric. Use warm water.

2008-05-03T06:57:00.003+08:00

I thought the dinner started at 7, so I was totally taken aback when no one was there. The people there were quite nice though, and it was fun talking to them. Otherwise, I'd be pretty bored. However, it is one thing to be entertained, and another to be doubted. They were asking whether they should cancel the booking since there is no one but a girl there.

Mrs Tng and the guest star Nicole stepped in at around 8:30. They look dazzling. Nicole has to be one of the prettiest girls I've seen - like mother, like daughter, I guess. I wish my mum would let me cut that hairstyle too when I was young. She put a bowl over our heads and just cut it straight through. Guess she wanted her girls to at least look like guys. The whole thing started turning funny (haha) when Nicole suddenly got wind of Alvin's and later Stephanie's name. She got really attached to him and hugged him sympathetically when he ate the cake full of tobasco sauce. Told them that they overdid it, but it was a relief knowing that it wasn't me eating it - I hate anything tangy/spicy since the trip to Thailand. Thanks Steph - that was a close one.

I don't know how anyone could finish that pasta and eat a second helping without being extremely bloated. Hearing Annabella recount about how she tried to feed him at home, I lost a quarter of my appetite. Not that it was really much to start with - I was ill for the entire day. I came home and collapsed after taking my medication.

The video was well done. Nic, you should try going for the Singapore Idol - at least you know it'll be a smooth ride...LOL.

And Joshua gave us a surprise - or at least Mrs Tng - by printing out the photograph immediately after it was taken. Really, the picture was amusing.

2008-04-30T19:52:00.002+08:00

My world's spinning round and 'round - literally. I feel kind of faint.

Anyway, I am going to do shameless publicity here, for my beloved CCA, the Film Society. I don't know the exact details as to why it came out to be so late, but at least it is better late than never. The date is - the day after tomorrow. Friday. No announcement, last minute posters and a definite breakdown in communications. I've forgiven the person-in-charge for his tardiness, but I couldn't help but sigh at the amount of effort he put in.

Horror Movie Screening this friday! Ever want to gloat over someone's fright and misery (the one beside you)? Ever want to spend an afternoon in an air-conditioned, dark room? Did you want to catch up on the horror movies you've never watched? Do you want to build up your resistance to horror or just come for a thrilling ride? Perhaps you want to comfort someone? Anyway, 3 separate movies are screened in different container classrooms at (damn, I didn't catch the timings)...the afternoon. Posters are put up in front of the LTs and at the canteen, see ya!

Yesterday is more of funny haha than funny strange. Really, the sms "No! The money!" just cracked me up. Hey, of course I'd think you've smsed the wrong person since I didn't understand your previous message at all. And that afternoon - first time in my life that someone dragged me down from the back of the stairs. It's something to remember because all this while I thought these only happens in comedies and the like. But it is really slippery - I slipped on the stairs of the LT once and got so embarrassed. They should add pebbles or something.

2008-04-27T19:20:00.002+08:00

YOU IDIOT, Channel 8! You censor everything and twist the truth! My aunt and uncle are like, struggling to make 60 plates of food in one hour and you immediately cut out the parts that puts the blame on you. Shame on you for telling them last minute that they had to cook 60 plates instead of 30. You put all that preparation to waste. Luckily they quickly adapted to it. IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not going to watch Kym Ng and Quan YiFeng's variety show's anymore (and I never did except for that one -_-) - they will have the same editors producers and truth twisters. Phew. Now that it is out of my system, let's go back to what I originally wanted to blog about.

Some karang gunis are stealing from the salvation army. We actually took a picture of him hauling large chunks of reusable furniture into his large, spacious truck. And that is why the Salvation army collection point at PP never overflowed. And yes, the salvation army never cared. They even came late for their collection of donated stuff, days after the appointed time. Tsk...no one even cared.

2008-04-25T21:11:00.002+08:00

We have currently $269.70 in our account now. And yes, only Michelle had claimed her b-dae present. Why did it deplete so fast? Let's just say that the first things we bought using the money was the bio diversity and evolution notes, maths differential equations before the march block test. Those chapters plus the many revision packages and SPA skill CD, ring a bell? If you want to know what we had spent on, tell me and I will show you. I predict that I'd be collecting class fund very very soon, sorry about the birthday thing. We are just spending too much to be able to finance it. Unless you want me to collect from all of you time and again so that I could bring the birthday fund back to $750 (until someone claims their b-dae present)?

Headache - I think those people who think that the class fund never dries and those people who are adept at blaming will hunt me down. But ultimately - these are your money, and the thick stack of notes ranging from Bio to GP are yours to keep. Don't come to me with this incredulous face and say "WHAT? Why so fast?" Each of you are subject reps of some sort - the frequency collecting notes had increased did it not?

Enough of the class fund. A few of my friends had joined the wellness club and had kindly explained it to me. Hey, I don't know how to react to your question - offended or complimented.

2008-04-24T19:19:00.003+08:00

I guess no one is reading this blog already. Good. I can write whatever I want.

Well, I guess I shouldn't feel as affected when someone got scolded. Perhaps it was because I was in that position before - I sank too deep in and never got out. But his situation is better - because the teachers are not tyrants. They know and treat you like an adult - they reason. If I am going to be a primary school teacher, that is what I am going to do. I believe that people, no matter how young should listen to reason.

And I really think that they should teach maths at the beginning of the day. No, I have to say that the study content is just boring. Just list out the learning points and tell us what we need in there, like chem, if there is no calculation involved. No need to try to fluff it up with even more words. Well, of all people, **, you are really amazing. I really thought you'd sleep. Even Alvin's dozing. Anyway, sad that the maths lecture is at the end. It could have been really fun if it was in the middle of the day.

I'm glad that we skipped the Sex-ed. The questions on the paper are soooooooo geared towards the guys. And most of them are what? Yes/No answers. Oh ya, I realised that the chem teachers are really stingy. 2 marks for one chunk. I got 2 marks for one line in primary school. But this is JC. And JC teachers believe in holding back marks because they were so precious. One quarter marks! I couldn't believe it existed.

And I can't find Michelle. Her parents did come to fetch her. Oh well - reminds me of the time when my father flared up because of my flat battery. Only that her mum sounds so much nicer on the phone - guess they are real nice people, unruffled by anything.

I really should come to the library more often. The music there is just amazing. Do you know that teachers can borrow AV materials with no deadline?

2008-04-19T10:32:00.003+08:00

The signal is really bad. I had written a post (a pretty decent one too) on 17th April and then it suddenly disappeared. Oh well, data that is gone will stay gone.

The colloseum - I ended up leaving early anyway. Why? My father came fetching me at 4:40. And I thought he's forgotten his birthday. It turns out that I had to collect the green form on the basis of ~ "celebrating my father's birthday." It is so funny I didn't know why Miss Ong signed it - I think she wouldn't if my father isn't there. Green form for celebrating someone's birthday indeed! But it is kind of her to help ask for the vp to sign it though. =)

My father said so too.

It is an interesting day.

That morning - the first time I was late. Ever. And no one is going to hear me explain.

That afternoon - the library is chock full of people even an ant can't squeeze in.

The evening - like I said, collosseum. And one weird phenomenon. We are making our way to vivo city and then - eh? - then everything moves again. 1 second! Nothing moved for one second! It is so astounding. So I told my mother and then she said, "you are not the Japanese Guy in Heroes who could make time stop." Ahahah...no one believed me. But really - everything stopped! The car, the cars on the highway, the environment...everything!

That night - we toured around vivo city. Went to eat Thai Food and got a bottle of wine for our efforts as it is my father's birthday. Oh yes. I've never seen a waitress spill anything before in my life. Probability of a waitress (aka the one that never spills) tripping over and spilling 2 sets of very expensive Thai Food is 0.01. So we watched in horror during that split second when she tripped over behind us. Over went the mushroom and prawns. Luckily it never landed on anyone. I caught the boy at the next table staring at us. He looked very bored. His table is really silent - four people eating their own while my table everyone gets to eat each of their food. Then we went next door to eat xiao long bao. Hahahaha - the girl sitting next to us saw us happily sharing one bowl of noodles (yes - they are really great! I would go and eat there again if I have the opportunity) and devouring the xiao long bao, got envious and demanded for a set of xiao long bao there and then.

Oh, yes, the new baby's name is going to be Adwin. AD-WIN. Sounds very close to something, doesn't it? Adware. But it is so much better than the previous names - Anson, Anthony, Sylvester (why would my mother want that name I had no idea)...

She rejected my suggestion of Artemis. LOL. Wellll, if you wanted a name that starts with an A, had some good meaning, then...she rejected Edward (my sister's suggestion too).

Oh yes. Midnight. Guess what? Lightning and thunder were waging a war directly above my house. How did we know? We've got cameras installed outside and yes, my mom saw the streaks of bright light hitting the top of my house. I saw it in front of my house. And there it went, back and forth, back and forth - above my house and the front of it. And then the girly screams came from the tenants upstairs. BOOOOOOM (it is excruciatingly louder and nearer than any other thunderstorms I've heard - I could not even hear the rain). AAAAAAHHHHH. Flash. AHHHH. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

2008-04-17T18:56:00.002+08:00

2008-04-11T21:13:00.002+08:00

I want to thank Mr Tay. Very much. A lot much. Now I have one down, five to go. =)

He was the first one to tell me. I'll remember the time he's spent on my group and the rest of my classmates. I'll remember how he tried to explain the concepts which I fail to grasp, while I vented my frustrations on my EoM. I thank you, very much.

2008-04-09T22:41:00.002+08:00

I solemnly vow to plow through the thick stack of waiting emails in my inbox on Friday. The only things I did to them nowadays is to delete those spam mail. And after deletion, there is still another 90 important ones. And I dread sharing my room with the thai foreigners. I don't know them, and they don't know us. I don't think they'd appreciate us blasting music in the late of the night. And most of all, I don't want to share my bed. A real selfish girl, am I not?

This week is one of the most interesting, yet one of the most brain-wrecking weeks. I think I'm up for another scolding from Ms Ong and I'm sure I'll be met with one really irate Mr Wong. And how would you feel if all your tutorials are speckled with careless mistakes everywhere? Real ashamed of myself. If I'm remembering right, I haven't been floating around class either - my mind is fuzzy in tutorials - I hope someone would just scare me back into reality if they realise I'm zoning out, but they hardly ever know. So fat chance of that happening.

I'll just have to make a conscious effort myself.

2008-04-01T19:17:00.003+08:00

Life goes on. MBTs are over. I'm getting ill all over again. Maybe I should take a day off from school and just rest.

2008-03-27T19:39:00.002+08:00

So there is this mantra running in my head asking myself - "Who am I? What am I going to be?"

I'm at the high risk end though - U grader. Hahaha. A fluke in the time where I needed to score the most. =( And I was wondering why I made those silly mistakes. Oh well - I'll have to relearn from scratch then.

I'm not there yet.

2008-03-25T19:57:00.002+08:00

I'm dead. What am I going tell my parents? I've had enough of their disappointment. And I still failed. I wonder if it's the way I work or that I've haven't put enough effort.

Anyway, to end this real sad day -

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CYNTHIA! My gift isn't the best but I know you treasure it...=))

2008-03-19T19:42:00.002+08:00

Three things:
Whee! MBTs are over!
=(( My doggies left me forever...
The marks for chem and maths will be between pass and fail - more of fail.

= A pretty depressed girl (if you avg. it out.)

Ai, but no one could make me feel that way except myself.

2008-03-18T11:10:00.002+08:00

My posts are getting more and more vague and disjointed. Oh well, my need to express the feeling is greater than my need to present it in coherent English.

Yesterday:
My father asked me, "Why does that RJC guy get so many subjects? And all A some more?"
Hmm...I didn't want to tell him that I am considering going into business now and not compete with those people. That year is the year of the snake. It's not even the dragon year. Competition is steep. However, I doubt I would be staying in that competition for very long. I've never wanted to work in a firm after all. White collar jobs are the jobs I aim for precisely because of the fact that I could earn enough to expand the family's business. If not, then I'll find some other way.

No need to get stressed over something you've never had or wanted.
-
So I was thinking, "Do I talk a lot?"

Everyone told me, "Yes."
Well, the people I asked anyway. These people tend to be introverts too. Looking back at the times when I was in the car with my parents, I realised I was the only one talking. Yak, yak, yak...everything under the sun that affects me and doesn't affect me.
IN fact, the times in the family which are really silent was when I was asleep or not around.
Really, I've covered disease, exercise, Politics, marriage, interest rates, studies, time management, family, food, psychology, future prospects, DJs at the radio, holidays and horoscopes this year alone. There are a lot more (multiples more) that I talked about in that short 20 minute ride (and other sessions with my family) but I couldn't remember what.

Well, guess I could be long term entertainment.
-

Econs and bio - double attack. I doubt I could get out of them alive.

2008-03-16T09:13:00.003+08:00

Keh. I'm boiling. Tell you this - if before/after CNY there is absolutely one free day without me having to chiong for one test or another, it wouldn't have to wait a month. It wouldn't have to wait until now - and I know how it feels like doing another person's work. I am not going to impose on you. Wow you might have lots of time, but you as a leader never wondered why the work's not done. True, it slipped my mind. Proofreading is something I dislike very much. Irritating? Suit yourself. If I had 2 hours allocated to make that thing fanciful, I can do so. I can dig up previous minutes and yaddayadda...but I don't. Excuses. I am so sorry to admit that I am getting really confused as to where this group is going. Ask Jessica or Celina, I missed one of the meeting and the meeting, truely, is only 10 minutes. Void? Yeah, for a meeting that short, you can consider that. Whatever. If I say I can't, accept it. You are in JC before are you not? You should know the stress levels. Yea, no one came except for the students. Lets just say that I don't feel appreciated. You don't feel appreciated either? Guess neither of us are good at saying thank yous.

2008-03-10T17:54:00.002+08:00

I'll work towards it.

Of course, if I am more awake.

-

I told her, "Ok, I'll aim to be on the powerpoint slide."
She asked me, "Will you cry if it (my name) is not there?"
Yes. I've never felt so insecure. What would I do if I don't do well? My parents can't pay up for my further education. They won't allow me to do so on my own will. Kind of reinforces the fact that I have to do well.
But even if my name doesn't appear there, I've confidence that at least one of the geniuses in my class will do so. I guess, that will be my comfort if I get rock bottom grades then.
Well, people are still kind of keeping their distance. Well, never mind that. I got over it.

2008-03-06T06:50:00.001+08:00

Film society is going to close down. =(

Not like there is no more JC1 recruitment, but they decided that because they think that we did practically nothing for the school, they are not wasting anymore budget on this CCA. Two months left. What are we going to do?

2008-03-03T19:00:00.002+08:00

I saw Chuan today on the neatly paved road. Strange, never remembered that he was actually around MJ this year. Never saw him, at least. Hmm.

Oh well. Flunked chem, maths? Bio, just passed. D? Don't make me laugh. This is below standard. I am underperforming. Everyone else is performing. And the next upcoming test is the block test. Less than a week away.

Lovely.

I won't underestimate the difficulty of the papers. Not again.

2008-02-28T19:06:00.003+08:00

I was so depressed...SPA didn't do well. Perhaps I'm the only one who got level 0.

Never mind. Working hard is what counts anyway.

Sometimes, I hang around people and wait for a chance to talk. Most of the time, I walk away because I realise I had nothing in common. Only once, just once, I'm in a situation where I have too many people to converse with. I talk to complete strangers. Oh well. It works, I guess.

2008-02-23T20:15:00.001+08:00

coughing coughing coughing. won't it ever stop?

2008-02-20T19:49:00.003+08:00

Ok. Haven't been updating for a while.

Haven't been feeling really negative either. Things just get better and better. Except for the 4H2 dropping thing. And also the lack of exercise.

Oh yes. Also getting real distracted all day. Perhaps I'm not eating something crucial for concentration...

There is this thing about experience and difference that thrills me. I won't get an opportunity like this again, short of getting caught by the traffic police. But the sight of the head lamps of cars instead of their boots is a refreshing change to the car trip. I'm going backwards and I'm comfortable - well, as much as that coming from a car full of junk and wooden boards.

Today, I missed film society. Not that it is very much, but I wasn't really happy to know that my CCA's gone off gallavanting around TM's golden village to enjoy the film while I am still stuck in school wondering where they went. Only to find out 15 minutes later that they've gone there and had tried to contact me (ironically) 15 minutes before. I should've known...=( No film then, because the fact that I am still in school at 2:50 when I got the message when the film's supposed to start, or worse, have already started, means that I am horribly, horribly late.

Oh well. Apologies to film. I never wanted to miss CCA.

2008-02-15T19:02:00.000+08:00

I thank the angel who gave me something for V day. =)

And now I've got another person to hate. Well, the next time I see him I am going to give him exactly what I think - the last time she said stop. Next time, if she isn't around, I go and pick a fight with him. Never mind if I got badly beaten up instead, but that guy is really HH. Heartless and Hopeless. He thinks that men are the only gifts God gave this world and flings himself at every girl he fancies, thinking they'll follow his every whim. And because he is not going to NS, I doubt he is ever going to grow into a man at all. He can't even stay as a friend, can't even appreciate his previous friend for his new conquest for love. What does that make your ex-es? Hopeless people who tail you like ghosts and brighten up at the sight of your ugly face? It suits you and your real ugly heart. Oh well.

Dogs are so much easier to understand than humans. The most vile things and acts on Earth are all the fault of our species.

2008-02-11T19:10:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm floating. I hope I still can catch up.

2008-02-08T22:34:00.000+08:00

LOL. Today's a day we've laughed a lot alright. Got to say it though - you may not be the best aunt ever, but for all the deplorable things you did to us, it just pays to look at your face right then - it is so priceless! Irony upon irony, coincidence upon coincidence. I couldn't remember when I've laughed so hard. By the way (which I know is pretty useless, because you won't be reading this, will you?), your brother-in-law is real insensitive. No wonder he couldn't marry anyone at the age of 41 - my sister is 14, and he is 41! You've got guts, I'd say. Claiming to forget stuff and then say my hands are oily - now look at the result! I laughed till I cried. Out of your sight of course. But I know you'd complain behind my back too. Now no one will serve me Ba Kua anymore. =(

Now we're even.

2008-02-07T21:41:00.000+08:00

What a day to get the flu!

Morning, line up. Afternoon, visit. Evening, ill. I can't even bring myself to eat the chinese new year goodies. No abalone for me...=(

2008-02-04T00:39:00.001+08:00

...another one.

Yesterday, the secretorial minutes. Today, the GP paper. Whatever. Everything is so messy. Bio file had its various pieces everywhere. Now I've no idea what the question was. Rawr. If that worksheet is really lost, I'll...copy it all over again. Oh well.

2008-02-01T20:14:00.000+08:00

Whoo~

Maths test's probability of failing, rising...
Bio test's probability of failing, rising...
My confidence level...falling...

Oh well. I realised I was the only one attending clinic from my class.

Not bad. I had unknowingly entered a school of whispers. Never honest. No one had the guts to say what they wanted to say. Even during recess, there are a group of gossipers well, spreading the juicy bits they've picked up over the day.

Anyway, I'm tired. Not only the physical body is tired, but my soul is tired. It's kind of weighty. I wish to be like Min Ru. Don't ask, don't tell, don't care, don't emo. She is so honest, she says what she thinks and she means it. And she never regrets either. She is never sad - at least to my knowledge. And being sad is the worst emotion to ever feel in the world.

I am so going to play tradewinds to unwind. Then it is to some real hard pondering over my secretorial minutes of the YEC and mindless typing. At least I am doing something right for myself and my post.

Confidence level: rising. << of course it has to. I hate feeling that I've failed all and the world.

2008-01-31T18:39:00.000+08:00

This is one of those days.

The days you feel like you've done everything all wrong. Like a damn failure.

I particularly felt that this is the worst days of all. GP? 1 and 3/4 page, not even a decent essay. Bio? Let me just say that I have very little chance of passing - and yes, I'm sorry if we got the extra tutorial due to my carelessness. Compass? STONE~ sleep. It is one of the most boring and redundant lectures ever appeared in Meridian history. Can't you just disseminate instructions on a sheet of paper? No need an entire lecture. SPA? Overkill. Forgot the solution to one of the limitations and was forced to make a logical one up. The tutorial after? I have this overwhelming urge to declare 'I told you so.' , which, will immediately ruin the entire mood. And no, I am not going to admit that I have this guilt cloud over my head for not finishing the 6 questions during the practical, which really isn't a decent trial AT ALL. After that? A series of unfortunate events - one after another involving "Let's torture Jasmine."

My temper is really short right after. I fell two times, one in the suffocating lecture theatre in my haste to get out, one is after my visit to the SCAS. And yes, I slammed into the grey metal gate at the bus stop. Klutzy. And with Shuwei just laughing and laughing and laughing, no one notices that I am in pain. Cool, I made people laugh at my expense.

After that, meeting with the real dense chem teacher. With both of us just yakking and yakking on about both of our own selfish desires, nothing is really done. Co-organising? If you came to us with the idea, we can talk it out. Not the other way around. Shuwei and I would like participants to participate in a competition related to your CCA's medium. We don't come with a damn proposal to add to your CCA's already over-organised REACH activities. We don't come to look for help, either. Of course, if you have something in mind, we could include you as a co-organiser. But retorting to us in this real cocky manner that your CCA has LOTS and LOTS of competitions to join, just gave me the impression that even if you are interested in co-organising an activity, it wouldn't be for passion. Looks like you want to scrap our idea completely. So much for bringing an activity into the school, like Ms Lai suggested. You never considered.

So, talking about activities, there is one about environmental conservation on the 9th of March. If the school never wanted the YEC to ever publicise our activities, then I might as well do it here. Anyone who wants more details can get them from Shuwei. I missed my YEC meeting for my bio test to study up till 2 in the morning. And I procrastinated on the chem homework. Oh well, might as well say it now - I told you so. She wasn't that bad. She could be cute when she smiles and be ugly when she flares, but don't we all? In fact, Shuwei did say that she is real enthusiastic to help and I know of teachers from my primary school who were a million times worse. If you are so affected by her, you'd just die when you're in the hands of MY teachers in my primary school. The humiliation there - standing ovations for not bringing work, being called thick skinned, being the subject of many of the complaints all the time to my parents, scoldings every single day for something or another even when I've done my work, being mocked at even when I've done well and topped the level, sitting on the floor and having my papers stepped on and spat on - you got to be kidding, I braved it all. Our teacher is just the opposite in fact. A fine balance in concern and teaching. She is a person, not a teacher.

Must be the paradigm I have of teachers that I never really disliked a teacher after my primary school. And ironically, the teacher I had ultimately loved is in my primary school. Or maybe I've a good judge of character. Only god knows, I guess. I don't even know myself.

2008-01-25T19:12:00.000+08:00

Yet another lecture on exercise. It's been so overbearing that I realised that it weighed on my mind every few hours. And tomorrow's road race isn't helping much.

I was in the same LT as Ms Ong. Quite surprised, so to speak. Obviously Ms Ong has nearly the same personality as I do. And if this is so, and no one in class has the same personality as she, then she must have the same personality as Mr Tay. LOL. But you could see the disbelief painted over her face. Extrovert? Jasmine? She is the one who tries to run away from all people, real quiet, softspoken...etc, the list continues. Well, I am an extrovert, only with the right people. That'll explain the 1% in the extrovert category. I will prattle on like a train who doesn't know when to stop. In fact I underwent counselling in TKGS to search for a way to slow down and talk normally. Now? I don't talk much in school. There is no one around to listen. And what could I say anyway? No one is interested. Well, I used to disregard their disinterest and continue to talk anyway. Later, I kept my mouth shut because I decided to listen. It kept me out of trouble for the entire year - it works. Oh yes, when something goes wrong, I feel that it is all my fault. Guilt never plagues me for hours a day, though, maybe because I realise that it is no one's fault in the end. And yes, I hate being criticised. I like being praised and giving praise.

ENFJ. No wonder I lack rigor in econs. I tend to jump to conclusions. I don't look for evidence and start thinking of something down another line. Well, it makes me feel creative, no matter what you econs people say, so there. 25%. Scratch that last comment - I don't do well in my subjects because I misinterpret the question. I read one word and assume it means the entire essay. Oh well - at least they tried to beautify this personality type. And I will try to change - keep it conscious, at least to find enough evidence and read through the question throughly, armed with a highlighter.

Feeling? I've this paradigm of myself as a hopeless romantic. Thus, I must brave myself for countless rejections - not a good thing, but I hate being too clingy to one particular thing or person. 25%. Reasonable.

Judgement. Well, this is my forte. I dislike being too orderly, but I play by the rules. If the rules need tweaking, I'll make sure it is tweaked and then set it as a rule. I will explode if someone tells me on an individual meeting that they cannot make it, but I do that all the time in group meetings (sigh). If I've decided not to go for anything, I'll make sure that it remains like that. I'm not to be persuaded to change my plans unless the person is prepared to meet with cold, hard resistance. I hate last minute stuff and I will get very discouraged if nothing goes as planned, even angry. 78%. Whoa. Alarm bells ringing there.

Well, ok. One change in one letter makes all the difference. Funny to know that I'm hanging out with introverts 75% of the time and extroverts the rest of the time. Good. I've got myself sorted out and now I can go to sleep without having this thing weigh on my mind.

Anyway - my personality type parallel with Cheeri, Sufundy and lots of others in 112. And no one in 111. Imagine the cheers that resounded in the LT when the teacher flashed the personalities' possible career paths. Well, for mine at least. Something along the lines of Bioengineer, accountant, financial banker, CEO...go figure. The people who get a higher chance to get rich and make the big bucks are all in LT4, the ENFJ people. Go find those in 112 for help with money problems in the future. I'm sure they'll have the financial capabilities to help you.

And yes, my personality is supposed to give an inspiring aura - a good leader. That kinda explains the CEO thingy. For me, I'm already a leader. It makes no difference to my already over inflated ego.

2008-01-22T20:09:00.001+08:00

Would you regret anything if you were to die today? My list, I realised, is real short. 1) I'll regret not having a future. 2) I'll regret not being a part of my family's future.

Nothing else. I have everything, and I regret nothing.
-
But then, your loved ones would feel a lot more regret than you do when you leave. Either that, or they're faking it. I've seen crocodile tears shed at my grandfather's funeral. Not a pretty sight and it in fact struck me as hypocritical. But I'm not going down that line - the econs lecturer had reminded me of their pathetic existence. And yes, they are the most pathetic lot I've ever seen, even though they are 10 years my senior. Scheming scumbags don't know the pain they are inflicting on their only surviving parent. They're waiting for her to die, waiting for her inheritance. She said so herself.

My extended family's got more politics than you'll ever see in our current student's council. I'm so tired of false impressions.

Life is precious. Love is precious. Don't lose everything because of one tiny mistake. A husband shouldn't cheat on his wife. Any right minded person shouldn't take drugs. Trust. Love. Life. I've got it all. And I'm grateful for it.

2008-01-21T22:13:00.000+08:00

I'll say - I slept through the last part of maths lecture. First time. I've set a record. This is so not going to happen again. I wonder why this sense of tiredness is creeping up on me. Woot. I'm never going to read Alex Rider novels on the weekends anymore - not only taking up my time, but it is actually more enjoyable than maths and chemistry. And exercise. NOOO. Tomorrow's PE again. Peer pressure sucks. I dislike being the last in all the running exercises. I've made a commitment to train my heart. But I am doing so from scratch. You can't expect me to emerge unscathed from the jaws of long distance running. I'll just hyperventilate and die. What a way to leave the world.

2008-01-20T21:11:00.000+08:00

whoa. The induction program really made me understand what the Cs are finally about. There are so many in Singapore that you get easily confused. And I'm talking about the number of grassroots groups here. Currently going strong at 36000, with the capacity of 56000. Like they said, if only more Singaporeans showed up to serve. But makes me wonder sometimes. honestly, grassroots? It made me laugh at the name the name the first time I heard it. I thought it is a gardening group.

2008-01-11T17:10:00.000+08:00

------- 5.05 pm

Seriously. I really flunked my first tests. Oh well. A good knock in the head once in a while will set me right. I look at econs then integration then chem. And part of me wonders why everyone can do so well and learn so fast while I plow on at a speed equivalent to a turtle in quicksand. I'm under extreme high stress here. Please tell me I'm not alone in this - because I'm starting to think that the entire S111's turned so bright, they practically lit the class and LTs throughout the day. Well, except me - too busy absorbing energy and not giving off enough. Well, never mind. I may not be shining now, but I aim to be on par with all of you real soon. Now, if only the mountain of notes could decrease...together with my current obsession.

Suzy - Fool's Garden

Do you know that bad girls go to hell? (spoken)

I don't wanna talk,
I don't wanna walk,
I don't wanna hear about it
I don't wanna run,
I don't wanna spring
and I really don't wanna go right in

Your make-up
is pretty good,
your hair-cut
I know it could
but don't you see
that it doesn't bother me?

Why don't you enjoy?
Life's splendid,
you don't need any toy
I'm intended for you,
so you don't have to run on skylines

I don't know much
but what I know I've got to cure
you anyhow
'cause I love you
I love you!

Suzy,don't you know?
Heaven's not above tonight but 100 feet below
Suzy,don't you see?
That it's your life,
That it's your life.
Oh Suzy...

I don't wanna learn,
I don't wanna turn,
I don't wanna think about it
I don't wanna taste,
I don't wanna drive
and I really don't wanna waste my life

Your big car
is beautiful
Your wonderbra
so cool
But don't you see
that it doesn't bother me?

Why don't you begin?
It's fantastic
you don't need anything
no plastic solution for your pretty face
Believe me

I don't know much
but what I know I've got to cure
you anyhow
'cause I love you,
I love you!

Suzy,don't you know?
Heaven's not above tonight but 100 feet below
Suzy,don't you see?
That it's your life,
That it's your life.
Oh Suzy...

Real sweet lyrics. But judging from today's impressionistic world, laden with discrimination against women in so many different ways, this song will probably never translate into reality, where love crosses over image and first impressions. I don't get the entire meaning of the song, but there are certain parts of this song that is real touching.

2008-01-11T00:06:00.000+08:00

------------12.12 AM

So, recovered. Taking a break for now. Hmm, I've read a post about inflation and then I remembered that I had some real insights to input into this issue. (Might not be insights to you, but never mind.)

I've failed my economics last year (and am still sore from the fall) but this doesn't make me totally oblivious to the fact that prices are hiking. I am not worried about my allowance - as long as there is no repeat of this morning, I'm pretty comfortable. I am worried about hospital fees, electricity bills and my household expenses. My parents tell me that this is for them to worry, not I. How nice, but I'd rather know what situation I'd be in in the future.

Inflation may not necessarily be a bad thing, but excessive inflation, though said to be expected, suddenly puts Singapore (with its real untimely change in policies) and its citizens in a situation to be worried about. True, our previous years are like an economic dream. I have to say that I really pity those taxi drivers. With inflation enclosing upon them, the increase in the prices of oil and the lack of customers...let's just say that I am glad that I know no taxi drivers. However, as I walk down Tembling Road home, I unconsciously made a count of the amount of taxis that passed me by, also curious to see which of them actually has passengers in them. The phenomenon reported in the newspapers is true. I saw a total of 9 taxis and only one of them had a passenger in them.

I am going to the policy forum on the means-testing this sunday. I wonder if the health minister is doing the right thing - if done right, it could mean raising the bar for all the hospitals. If done wrong, there would be a worsening of the crowd in the C Class wards. I've seen KK hospital - the B wards are only occupied sparingly and some are occupied by those who cannot squeeze into C Class wards and got upgraded to B class wards. The A class wards are virtually empty then. You'd think we Singaporeans are real poor.

Means-testing...it doesn't really make a difference. Because the price of healthcare will still be high. That is what we Singaporeans pay for. We don't go into hospitals only for the sake of enjoyment - we leave that to the booming tourism industry. No one likes to go to the hospital unless they really need to (excluding britain and its failed free healthcare policy). They try to "chop-chop" quickly do their surgery or whatever it is they need from the hospital and then leave it and hope never to see the building again in poor health. Because a day spent of the beds of a hospital is not only a day where you cannot earn your keep, but also incur an expenditure far higher than all others. That is why some try in vain to get into the C class wards.

Also, who are you to say that middle-income earners can cope with the increased spending in B class wards? You can say that it helps the system and blah blah blah, but ultimately, we are here for treatment. You can reserve some wards for those who really like splurging, but the fact still remains that some people in the middle-income wards prefer forgoing the increased standard of the wards and instead go for the cheaper ones - because they know their financial situation a lot more than the government. It is not like they were cheapskate people who loves being misery and scrimping on their money. Really, if a higher standard ward is available to us at a price within our spending range, then we'll take it. And now that inflation is up, who is to say that hospital prices won't rise? Also, many of their middle income earners found their spending power significantly reduced. Setting the bar for the B class beds? Set the bar high, and you are never going to see the end of the people streaming in. Set the bar low, and there would be country-wide resentment.

Go figure. I saw the results of my personality test and it got the career Politician in there. If this is part of politics, I'm glad that my dreams do not lie there. At least for now.

2008-01-10T18:31:00.000+08:00

So, another bout of pain. I have had enough. I think that what my father said was true. The torture I got from exercising is so much lighter than this. This is what I get from being so stubborn and trusting that my body can take it. It is now pretty obvious that it can't. Ok, I get your message - I will eat my lunch no matter what. I'll borrow when I am penniless and buy something to eat. OK?

I feel so silly talking to myself time and again. But I think it helped - the pain is subsiding a little bit. Well, serves me right for thinking of saving money for three whole years and denying myself of food. Now even skipping ONE meal will cause one real unhappy stomach and its friends in the alimentary canal. It's not like I did it on a regular basis anymore.

Oh ya, what in the round world makes the personality test so interesting? I think that human judgement is so much more accurate, for one, and for two, the school had pretty much no use for it - what are they doing with the personality results, herd everyone with like-minded personalities together?

2008-01-08T18:57:00.000+08:00

And so I opened my big mouth again. I should've known to just stay quiet.

So, on another note, I met Ms Hamidah doing her weekly shopping! It's weeks since I've met another teacher from TKGS. Although, from her aloof enquiries, I'd bet she'd forgotten me by now. So, another tidbit shopper? I have this uncanny way of meeting teachers in the supermarkets. Last time it's Giant, this time it's FairPrice. Oh well.

Oh yes, tomorrow's another real bad day that includes running in a part of the regime. Not something to look forward to. Now everything can be traced back to my lack of exercise - apparently even the involuntary shivering of my hands.

I can take mild comfort in the fact that I've all I've ever wanted in the world.

2008-01-07T20:45:00.000+08:00

So I go one entire round and ended up here again.

Sometimes this reminds me to keep my mouth shut when I needed to. I've lost all reason, lost in the wave of happiness. My mum told me not to tell anyone anymore. So I won't. I wish the world is a friendlier place though. This 'wishing' isn't going to take me anywhere though, so I am forgetting it.

But I reassure everyone that this year just gets better everyday. I look forward to August.

2007-12-31T21:32:00.001+08:00

Before any of you get the impression that I'm a coward, I'll have to say that this fear is natural and will go away after some time. The fear of going back to school. I'm not particularly happy about it, really. But who would, considering the fact that you have your free time constricted into a computer-generated timetable? Oh well, it is not that I spend my time really wisely anyway. I'm weaning myself off blogger. I don't think my life is really worth noting down mainly because 1)It's pretty mundane. 2)If I needed some medium to vent my anger out on, I'd rather it not be online where everyone could see it - at least, not yet. 3)With recent big family events noted down by my sisters, and the recent class outings documented by those who organised it, I can only see my entry as only another rendition of what is written. Some of what I write do not really depict what I feel anymore. But, well, I really don't care. Better to be unloved by others as to who I am than to be loved by those who don't see me past the girl I show.

Whatever - my sister said that I went overboard.

2007-12-16T02:50:00.000+08:00

...and suddenly I think that some people at my age really have no life. No, not insulting those who knows my blog, but insulting only her. She...would be a great friend if only she did not do this. Well, who knows what the future holds? The more I grow, the more I care about people's fragile feelings that I've lost my back bone. I swear I'll get it back and also be immune to negative comments. Teenage life isn't my life at all. I want to go back to when I was in Primary school being a real person with a good opinion on life and what I do.

I am going to jump right back into reality, you bet. I've not gone insane yet.

2007-12-16T02:23:00.000+08:00

2007-12-13T01:59:00.000+08:00

Ah, the bliss of ignorance. The Singaporean society demands knowledge - we'll need it to survive. But I can't stand it. Sometimes it is so much more better to know things from one perspective only - the good one. My sister wants to make a new cookie monster blogskin. That kawaii thing - cute and true to most children's inner desires. Who will refuse cookies at that age?

So we're surfing through youtube and looking at Muppets. Well, you could imagine our shock when we clicked on the heavy metal music link after laughing at the cookie monster's Cookie Song. Well, we've stepped onto something real psychotic and dark. True, our first thoughts that flashed through our mind were "What is the connection? Why Cookie Monster and metal music? What does that symbolise? Why make an entire video?"

After the first few seconds, our jaws dropped as we decided to give up on the badly made video and tune the disgusting music down (sorry to all metal rock music fans - I dislike those for the fact that they were too noisy) to read the comments. Well, then we read the title of the video. It might be laughable, considering the fact that it is the COOKIE MONSTER of Sesame Street, but...they say that the Cookie Monster is the start of Death Metal Music or something like that. Then we connect that to Satan, because those who gave comments apparently liked the video and said something along the lines of Lucifer. So now what? We didn't watch the entire video, of course, just the first 10 seconds.

But our perception of the Cookie Monster is completely ruined - well, the good side, at least. Now my sister can't stand looking at the blue furry animal without getting the shivers that it is giving a psychotic vibe. Well, I began liking the Cookie Monster again though, because I simply forgot what I have just learnt. But that first few seconds after watching the video was truly frightening. After deciding that the cookie monster was truly a bad influence, the feeling sort of went away later, as I forgot the feeling of the video, though I could vividly remember the disgust I got from this new Point of View perfectly.

Well, I won't look at the Sesame Street Characters the same way again.

That aside, I was squealing at the gifts my family got me. At the same time, I was wondering what to get my friends who had gone through their seventeenth birthday this month. (On second thought, I realise that I had lost the entire sheet of paper with my classmates' birthdays on, so I could only remember 2 out of the entire array of males in my class who had their birthdays right smack in the middle of December.) On third thought, I knew that though they won't say anything, the things I get will never be what they want. The people I knew at my age are those who wants expensive things - those that I can't afford even in the future after I went out to work (this is already pre-destined, I'll have just the amount I need throughout my life, never more, never less.). Maybe I don't know them enough to give them things they actually consider as gifts. But my gifts are always handmade - usually. (One, it is the cheapest. Two, I'm thinking of the person when I made it.) Should I give? Should I not? ...Maybe I'll be insincere and get something standardised, or not give at all. Well, how heartless of me. So, after the fourth thought, I decided to make something presentable and fish out whatever I deem is suitable for them...so sorry - it is the best I can do when I don't know you past your names and grades.

Well, my family have gotten me what I've always wanted. My mother asked me to guess what she got for me. My answers are a little embarrassing though - some I said just in jest to make my family laugh ( "Jasmine, are you sure? You've always wanted a boyfriend?"). LOL, that sparked giggles all around. It's a simple silver chain, though. I've always wanted it, so I could thread my favourite charm through it and bring it everywhere with me. Well, imagine my happiness!

I've never known they actually knew what I wanted and went out of their way to get it. I couldn't even guess it out in the first place. It is the happiest day of my life - I love being with my family. Well, you can say that I won't trade them for anything else in the world and vice versa. They sang the birthday song to me when I got home and prepared a cake.

I am going to change my life. I will change my goals. This coming year will be stressful, but I'll pull through. For me, my family and those who care for me, I will enjoy JC 2.

Anyway, my father confronted my Aunt. She's in a fit at the end of the "discussion." Well, it is embarrassing to stand in her shoes, nya? But I don't deny that she deserved it and I really can't help but smile when I think of a peaceful life with my relatives.

2007-12-09T18:14:00.000+08:00

How typical of you, to use food as gifts. I won't forget how we ran up and down Takashimaya finding that "Indian Lady" in need the help of three people. I won't forget the lesson learnt in dealing with the elderly. Hey, if I am going to be separated from you too, I'd get grumpier than that. They place no faith in us, do they? I wonder if we'd have done better with a troupe of chatty Aunties instead. I smiled until it hurt. Surely, there is a way to persuade people without using the power of smiles? And fake ones at that. I asked you, "Are your smiles real?" You replied with a shake of your head.

"At least to strangers."

At least to strangers. How true. No wonder JC life gets longer and longer and longer. Ms Elaine, Mdm Khoo, you told us on the MRT that it is less than one year left. But I know that this is my nature - complain about one, complain about another. Who is to say that I won't complain about Uni? Some things are just too coincidental. I'm glad, I guess that we met both of you instead of, say, my current schoolmates. Because then, we'd have something to talk about, and Shuwei won't go ahead and clam herself up. Not to say that my JC friends are really bad at making friends - they had an entire circle. But I cannot muster up the interest needed to know someone.

I wonder if it's my hunger that is causing my head to swim.

2007-11-29T09:22:00.000+08:00

I'm in Vietnam now - Ho Chi Minh. Looks like our tour guide's forgotten to come and bring us around. Oh well - we'll confront her when we come back though.

The food here is nice really - but it's rather shocking at first when I can't find very much traditional food around.

And the pollution level is relatively high. Litter all over the place, dust everywhere - all partly attributed to the fact that the amount of scooter/motorcycles greatly out number the cars. No really, it is an estimated 50:1 on the roads of Nguyen Trai. The clothes are cheap here and there is internet access. All around this district are clothing shops.

I think I'll explore Hanoi the next time I visit Vietnam - the buildings, even high above the clouds, look cluttered. They look like how slums will look like - without the corroded metal and the corrogative cardboard. Box-like concrete buildings and busy roads that will wait for no one - this is the culture of this city. It alone bore 11 million Vietnamese residents. The entire country had over 84 million. I thought back to the meagre size of Singapore and decided that I like it back there. The head count per square feet is staggering, especially late at night.

A young vibrant population this city has. My mother said that it is due to the fact that most of the older generation had perished in the war. It then led to the baby boom, here. What is pretty surprising is that I had always thought of Vietnam as an...nvm.

2007-11-28T01:12:00.000+08:00

I suggest homophobes to turn away - even though the thing I am discussing does not emphasize slash, it does have its undertones.

This is so sad...I've gone through Apocripha/0 again to hear Japanese in a new light and not look at the translations to get what they mean. Because I can't find the Platina CD, I made do with Happiness Cage - a fandisc that I have never gone through before. It's due to one, I didn't think it'll make much difference to the plot and two, I am too wholly devastated by the ending that I stuffed the entire ren ai game aside.

This is the only game that had had caught my attention even up till now. Granted, there are lots of endings to this game and there were two discs to it - Alex and Platina. It really brings back memories.

The art is nicely coloured for one, humour is well placed, and lastly, the plot is really original. It really beats the boy-meets-girl/boy-meets-boy (o.O - I liked playing Sukisho but really, only for the art) plot of most ren ai stories. I've seen reviews for Angels' Feather and disliked it, mainly because there were characters that were drawn too similarly for me to differentiate. I've seen reviews for Silver Chaos and decided it is not my cup of tea either because the sequel shocked me to no end - in short, I hated it. Utawarerumono (trust me - I am not a slash fan who thinks that hetero shouldn't exist in this world) and Apocripha/0 remained on the top list of ren ai-cum-action computer games.

Gameplay is awesome. I prefer 2D games, really. Because I have inherited some form of thalassemic gene which will trigger some nausea over simple things like sitting in a car, watching home videos, playing 3D games - I cannot stand Halo and is sequels; and neither could my second sister, though she had insisted on playing it in the first place. Well, I can't tear my eyes away from the intricately drawn online RPG some friends play at first, but later I was down with a bad headache. Nope, I prefer Apocripha/0.

Well, looks like in Happiness Cage, both the guardians had not escaped death and now the Prince brothers were awkwardly trying to cope with the fact that both their generals have died and each other. It started off with some bird introduction and later delved into Alex and Platina's POV respectively. It ended with the epilogue that their guardians had morphed into birds to meet their former charges. Looks like they've made their way into heaven.

Well, if your charges are that beautiful, or your generals are that handsome, of course you'd think of one another...

One is an opening for the PS2 and the other is the one for the PC

2007-11-25T20:02:00.000+08:00

Negative emotions are useless things. Sometimes it is better off without them. You don't know which one will cause your downfall. Find an outlet, complain, whatever. But never keep feelings of anger, sadness or any other negative feeling. It will manifest and grow into one big black blanket over your head, blocking out all advice and logic. It is so much better to eradicate them once it takes over.

If you like being negative, then I have to say - you live a sad life (pardon the pun there).

Anyway, I'm going Vietnam!!! I heard it is very beautiful there. Their food is very very very healthy too. You don't know the amount of vegetables they have added into their dishes. And amazingly, I enjoyed them and I assure you that I am not turning to the diet of the rabbits. You all should try it - Singaporeans might find it a little hard to accept due to its "greeny" nature. But we are planning to open up a restaurant just like that. I am so shocked at how amiable and warm the entire environment is. There is a tinge of tradition and vibrance there too. I didn't manage to catch its name though. The next time I visit I must certainly write it down.

2007-11-23T13:26:00.001+08:00

Well. I've gotten one too many insults from people whom I never even met - in different languages. I could tell they are insults from the tone it radiates. And I am tickled pink.

Exploring the internet unravels a lot about people. They might be posting cutting, hurtful remarks everywhere under the veil of an anonymous user, and can be a character that is just the opposite in real life. People are pretty contradicting, no? That's why we are complicated. I'd say the person who sought to insult me didn't know it on the other side of the computer that he is being laughed at.

Oh well, just my luck to have a myriad of virtual people getting frustrated over someone do doesn't even care - me. I only said my point of view and some stubborn freaks just...couldn't accept it. So, yup. I didn't reply to them. In fact, I came across one only today. And I hadn't even seen his reply for months! That's kind of wasted. Humans have the capacity to do so much when they are amiable. It gets destructive when they are angry. Anger, thus, is an unnecessary emotion. Angry words, too, should be avoided - including curse words. Again, my opinion. Whine all you want, internet. But my view of stuff is never going to change - much less for you.

2007-11-20T00:59:00.000+08:00

I'm officially nocturnal. I wake up till ungodly hours of the morning, and wake up in the afternoon. This habit had got to change.

Haven't blogged about the orientation camp, ne?

All I can say is that it is so much better than any orientation I've been through. Partly because there were children there. And their enthusiasm is infectious. Oh well, I'm there being a wet blanket and a spoilsport with Shuwei. Hey, but we aren't going with all of you! We are staying in Singapore! At least for now. I plan to join this homestay program next year. I think Shuwei won't follow me anymore, but never mind. The games are fun, and as teenagers like Shuwei and I are little (not counting the fact that we behave like little kids anyway and we facilitate) the people played along. I think it is this type of thing, ne? We think we are superior, being teenagers. No one wants to play and cooperate. I don't know - that is what I feel radiating from the only teen in the program. It just screams "LAME". But it's fun.

And that is what matters.

Oh yup. I've seen someone's blog post and realised how far I was from thinking about the more sad things in life, just because there wasn't a need to. Being forgotten is more worse than death in itself? There are worse things than Death. There are worse things than being forgotten. Death, hmm...let me twist it around for you. If someone died, would that someone rather you forget him/her and live happily? If that someone is alive, of course they'd want you to remember. If that someone is dead, would memory serve as a memento of that person, remembered fondly, or would memory destroy you? The only thing worse than death is, in my opinion, eternal pain. If this memory will only cause you pain, then I'd say for you to forget the person. I watched my grandmother cry her eyes out at my grandfather's funeral. We told her that he is gone, now she'll have to live on happily. Oh no. She kept crying. I know she had cried for countless nights since he went away. Her sobs were bitter and full of longing.

You don't know how grateful I was when dementia took over her just enough for her to forget simple things. In the process, she got over his death. She might see him on the walls when she slept, but she forgets it the moment she shuts her eyes. Only the present remained with her. Her past is left behind. My family do remininse about him once in a while. But we are careful not to mention him in front of her anymore. The scars still remain.

Speaking about my extended family, I am so disgusted. What, she eyes our property and makes a jealous remark on how rich my family is. True, we might have more houses than an average person. But we have a big load of debt on our heels. Geez. Instead of eyeing our assets, can't you just shut up and save your money so that you can make an investment? I never said I was rich. I might joke about my family's houses when I am in a good mood with close friends, but never to show off. You, instead, rattled on about the new branded clothes and shoes you are buying for your daughter. If she cannot use, oh, you'll pass it on to my elder cousin. Never to us, you see. You never gave anything to us, really. For your image, you gave once in a while. You know how much my mother had suffered under your dangerous whispers? My grandmother advised us to breakaway from the family as soon as we can, otherwise something big and bad will happen that will cause her to worry and cause everyone else to think that we are bad people. It is a hostile world here. We paid for things you didn't. You took advantage of it. The water, electricity, the maid. You came and took whatever you can.

You said we ate your stuff. My mother could buy better things than you can. And we accepted the food out of courtesy from our grandmother. She don't like your food. She likes us. She saw us there and offered us food. Everytime we came to her place she treats us well. We don't have rights to property. We are GIRLS. You are a female too. But women are a woman's worst enemy. You know your place in the family and hanker for things that are not meant to be. I admit I am so sorry for you at first. I admit I liked you a few years back. But people change. You and your sister (both my RESPECTED aunts) had ignored my parents when they greeted you out of respect. You had criticised their children from the time we are born. You had negative remarks about the way they had brought up their children. My mother had only one question directed to your son's GIRLFRIEND (not even to your son; and its contents are pretty innocent) and you and your hubby had to grumble my grandmother's house down. No, grumble is an understatement - both of you yelled and tried to fight. That was the first time my mother put aside her pride and said her first "Sorry." You trampled on it as if it were worthless.

I don't hate you, even until now. But I now distance myself away from you, like how I did to my other aunt. My sisters abhor you. You can bet on it that they'll greet you sweetly and stare daggers at you. I remember the time when you gave something to me and congratulated me on my PSLE results. What had made you become from bad to worse? From just simple insults to real fist fighting. My family grew up on your insults. We don't take it as insulting anymore. But you have tried, time and again, to stir up trouble and distrust in the family, creating headaches for my grandmother and heightening up the tension. When we are not present during family gatherings, you complain and praise your own kids. When we are present, you ignore us. When your children are not present, we asked where they were out of concern. When you are there, my parents tried to strike up conversations. But not their children anymore. I never tried any longer. I have my sisters. Your children had close relationships with their other cousins. The younger aunt's children for example. I liked her husband, but not her. She, similarly was one I liked, but also changed. I am not ranting about her anymore, simply because she and you have the same personality.

We have drifted apart from your side of the family. We had no idea when it had become so hostile. But we shall remain on amiable terms with you, just so that we will keep the heart of someone we love from breaking. Unlike you. You can sow your seeds of evil and we will never retaliate. Just try us. Even I have a limit to what I can take. My sisters have vowed to never keep in contact with you after my grandmother had gone to heaven. Only. We are not people to stick around whenever we know that we are not welcome. Say what you want, but by then we will be strangers. We will breakaway from those we consider as harmful and keep in touch with those we like. That is human nature.

2007-11-15T22:59:00.000+08:00

A song I would recommend - a simple kind of life. A catchy song with sweet lyrics - except for perhaps one or two lines. Hahaha, really, life is a lot less stressful if it lived like that. No more backstabbing, no more insults, no more negativity - a simple life with simple thoughts. One can be more happy.

Anyway, I find myself really enamoured with Kojiro in a famous anime. Funnily enough, he was used as a comic relief. And that anime is a children's anime. Pokemon. LOL - Jasmine is squealing over POKEMON! Well, you won't believe it, he is James from Team Rocket. That weird, gay guy. I really prefer the Japanese/Chinese voice-acting - he sounds really childish and gay in english. Considering the characters in that anime, I think you'd think I'm right. Kojiro is so much better than Satoshi. I don't know why I hated them when I first saw pokemon on TV. Team rocket might be the bad guys, but these antagonists are so much more developed than the protagonists. And his relationship with Jessie is so sweet. He is her slave, her colleague, her friend, her family, her crossdressing partner (no really, I think men would look good in altered women's clothing - Bwahahaha!) and last but not least, someone who can support her. What kind of relationship do you think they two share, if they can recite some lame motto again and again flawlessly only when they are together?

What of relationship, if they hug each other in fear, for no reason? What kind of relationship do they share when they were always together? One sweet relationship.

Anyway, enough about that. I've been like a zombie these few days. I could do so many things, but never got the motivation to do them. Oh well. I will get out of bed and do them. I had had enough of sleep now.

2007-11-14T00:34:00.001+08:00

So I don't know how to cook eggs. No need to laugh at me like that. DX You're not laughing, but I know in your heart you are. Stop la. I just...got over-excited thats all....who am I kidding...=( I really couldn't cook without a recipe book in front of me. But what is so hard about cooking eggs? You fry them, I boil. I got impatient. Oh well. Now my father stared at the 3/4 boiled egg (to make it worse, I accidentally cracked it in the process) and raised his eyebrow questioningly. LOL. He ate it all anyway. Well, you added salt at the wrong time too. Looks like we are even. Except that...because of my incompetence, I couldn't taste half boiled eggs for some time. Not when I eaten two pathetic excuses for a half-boiled egg - looks like raw egg to both of us, don't you think? Hahaha. I'll let you do the cooking next time. I think you have the flair for it. =)

-

Seriously. I now am wondering whether to buy some hair-growing shampoo or conditioner. Perhaps can buy one for panda too. I really feel bald. No, I am not suffering any disease or anything. But just that hair loss just went into the extremes these few weeks. Post-promos? I think not. But everyone said that it is just normal. Yea right. Normal. I used to think so. Not now, when the amount of hair that comes off really scares me. I'll observe it for a few days and if it isn't improving, I am going to pester my mother to go shopping with me.

2007-11-13T10:36:00.000+08:00

How fickle minded. How hurting. How insensitive. How easy can it be to break a friendship? There is no compromise. No one wants to take a step back. One's words were sharp and hurting, the other's words were just a different point of view. No one says that people don't change. That person might had done you wrong in one way or another. If talking to him don't help, then breaking the friendship does?

How naive. I have handled a situation like this once, and I messed it up, causing all of us to become lifelong enemies. Up till now, the hate still burns within all of us. If not hate, then there is unmasked dislike. All I've to say is to handle it with care.

Now. My maid's kind of betrayed us. She lied too. What is this? One maid after another lying lying lying to us. What nonsense that her son's gotten into an accident is ultimately false. She wants to leave us and go America. What they say - the grass is greener on the other side of the mountain. What I say - the grass only looks greener on the other side of the mountain. You go there, this side of the mountain is barred from you forever.

I wonder. Singapore isn't a good country? My family had problems? No way.

Even Dwi left and looked for "greener grass". Her savings are gone, she met with an accident...and an independent-minded girl too. Now she regrets. I don't know about the other maids, and I don't want to know.

If she wants to leave, I'd rather she just say it in our face.

No need to lie, beat around the bush. It just makes us irritated.

2007-11-12T12:08:00.000+08:00

Hmm. The Bird Park. Interesting place really (much better than another tourist attraction in Singapore), and it features long roads for hiking and looking at the birds up close. You can find the pictures in my sister's blog.

And now I am worried about my maid. No really. The maid is an essential part of our family. Whenever one comes in, we accept and move on. We share whatever we have with her. We are a family, for now.

And she ran out for quite a few times, not coming back. We wonder. We forgave her, her under the illusion that we don't know.

Today it is very very obvious. She isn't home through the night. She isn't home in the afternoon. We asked the hospital for her whereabouts. We don't want to touch the police...yet.

No sign of her, no contact. We tried calling her countless times. She never replied. We asked if she had an accident. We gave her one last chance.

Now my mum totally gave up on her and went on to do the maid's work.
-
Anyway. Ayashi no ceres is one boring show. Sure it ends quite nicely, but this anime is so shoujo-centric that I have to wonder. Yuu Watase never leaves (implied) pre-marital sex out of her manga (no hentai at all but you know that kind of mushy "I wanna become one..."). No wonder it is rated for people above 18 years old in china even though the heroine is a lot younger. The idea is nice though. Her ideas were all about made up legends. And babies. For some reason, many of the heroines became pregnant.
-
So, today's dream was pretty strange. Weird. My aunt's baby son just stood up to me and broke all the glassware including mayonnaise jars. He kicked his maid who hit the wall and remained unconscious. I then hit him for being so retarded and so childish. Which then in turn gave me glares from all my family. Well, he deserved it. I kept finding this guy in my dream. Who is he? I wonder. Well, out of all the odd dreams there will be some dreams with a happy love life with a mystery someone. You don't know how free someone is in dreams. No one to judge you, no one to scold you. It is you and you with all of whom you choose.

2007-11-10T01:00:00.000+08:00

Eh. Maybe I am wrong to put the survey link there. But never mind. 1 respondent! Thanks!

Anyway, being in the middle of two beautiful women on the streets just made me feel very very small. And my sisters are talking about boys, men and sex changes. So I don't look very smart. I can take comfort that I am at least in a JC.

I wanted to punch him. Stopped by her. No, really. For all the things he did to her, all the hurt she received, the scars...I want to make sure he won't ever do that again. He turned her into a freak, he turned her into an angel. As soon as his grip loosened, she turned back into my sister, the person missing for 2 whole years since he appeared.

I asked her, just how much did he take your heart? Her answer? More than half.

What about mine? I can proudly say that my heart is pretty self-centred. This is so free. Nothing is broken, nothing had to be replaced by another love. Half of my heart is for my family and close friends. Two thirds of the other half is for myself. The rest are for those I meet but not close to. I know that those who own my heart won't ever break it. I own one-third of my heart. I have no reason to emo and make myself unhappy.

Now is not the time yet perhaps.

My sisters understood what I told them but they continued loving the person who had already or would eventually break their heart someday. This takes time. I wonder why it is so easy to give out so much of your heart to just one person. I looked at the lights in the yoga gymnasium and wonder whether I am the one who is making a mistake in being so self-centred. Perhaps. Perhaps not.

2007-11-09T14:26:00.001+08:00

Click Here to take survey

A short survey that I made while recovering for cramps after basketball and cycling. Something about stories/manga/anime that I wanted to find out.

Hmm. I wonder what spurred my mother to buy two new bicycles for us. Hmm...haha. I think yesterday afternoon scared her. I promise never ever to ask my mother to get involved with getting the bicycles out of their chains again. At least I know I won't ignore them with my mother's splurge.

2007-11-08T21:57:00.001+08:00

Forgive me for saying this. As long as you don't inconvenience anyone, don't do anything wrong to others or the environment, then to me, if the wave takes me, is right. "A time and place for everything," indeed. I am finding something, understanding something, discovering something. To you, it might be gibberish. To the rest of the people enclosed in that space, they don't care. The fact that you find this act unsuitable for this place, this time, means you care about image, and not interested in what I have to share. Ok, so maybe I might have blocked the way of someone, attracted some attention, but I am so sure that in three seconds, they'd forget me, if they actually pay attention in the first place. What are they going to do? Nothing. What, I am not a superstar or anything. As for making a din, that place is exactly the place for it - socialising. (Ok, so what I did is not considered a din.)

If you mean the company I share, their impression, then I say that I don't care. Judge people not if you don't want people to judge you. Unless it is a session that really needs people to judge you (eg Oral Presentation), I will make sure that my actions portray myself as a person from all sides. What, so you want me to discover this at home? Then I will not be socialising at all. The people around me will listen, sure, because they know me. If I go out and do this, they will still listen. They don't care about the other people. They care about me and what I have to say.

If you don't like this side of me, I will make a mental note never to show it to you again. Call me incorrigible, call me stubborn, but this is my (very odd) point of view. Thanks for your opinion though. At least I know how you perceive my actions.

On a sidenote, it is a pretty fulfilling day. Sad that the morning is rainy. I sooo want to play basketball with her. Anyway, reached destination 45 minutes late. 8 people there - but this number gradually increased. I am MIA most of the time though. I keep getting lost, feeling like a lost sheep.

Cycled with those who had bicycles. Thanks for slowing down for me and even talking to me. I really appreciate it. Later felt tired and joined Nic and Chun Kiat at Macs, playing cards. Then Michelle and Minru came over. Later went off to dinner, felt full even though I had a pathetic lunch. Joined Cynthia in going home at 8:30, and I admit that it is the best time of the day.

Had fun, known people, confirmed relationships. That's sad though, because I am not looking for any of those in a class outing. No matter how unorganised a class outing is, if it had this, then perhaps that walk with my sister at night would have lost to it. Have fun guessing what it is. Maybe you have experienced it this time, but not I. Compared to the rest of the outings though, this is one of the best so far. Good work, organisers - really, I don't know who is the one making the decisions, but I admit that the one who did it is superb. Simple, but is able to let people come to the outing. I give you a pat on the back for that.

By the way, the couples...are they compatible (I really think they are together. The signs are all there.)? You bet. I give them my blessings and hope they last long. Why? Because these couples are those that I anticipated will...come together. As for the remaining people...I don't want to tell all of you the next pairing I predict will happen. People will come and throw knives at me. And I will emerge all bloody. Oh no, I most definitely won't.

2007-11-07T20:29:00.000+08:00

I watched the episode. Two korean stars fighting for one girl.

I read a blog. One guy who cheated on his girlfriend in not one, but uncountable times.

I have known of relatives who had cheated on their wives.

I finally came to the conclusion: Real life is different from what you see on TV. True, it was said so many many times.

...Being a girl is great - you love one at a time most of the time. Being a guy is great too, in that sense, you don't usually hate people - it is scientifically proven that men held grudges shorter than women due to the underdevelopment of a part of their brain.

So God made genders. Some people are born more attractive. Because of that, due to the greedy nature of Humans, you think you can like two suitors or maidens at a time. And that is the catalyst of your demise. Oh ya, being popular is so great.

Where is your most important part? For some, the brain, for some, the heart....LOL. (I am reminded on Hector's group - iOrgans indeed.) Well, people, never ever give your heart out to anyone who looks cute unless you know that it won't hurt you in the end. Unless you know how to let go. Cynthia - I'm glad you never tried anything funny. Fendy is not worth it.

2007-11-06T20:12:00.000+08:00

RAWR. I can officially declare that my group had done well. BTW, Panda's really cute. I went to my email inbox expecting some comments on my I & R (which is a freaky draft 9) and he wrote, "MY COMMENTS" as the title. I opened it up and then it said, "My comments...actually I have no comments." Awww. (For people who don't understand the random 'cute' highs I have, never mind.)

Now I can concentrate on stuff like exercise. Ahaha. One thing: Did I present well? I declared to my parents that my entire group's done well, so I am included in the package. But who knows?

And...that's it? Wow, how short. Hmm, if other people can do it, why couldn't I?

Thank you MJ 035!

Jia Ying: Nicest and coolest girl in the class. I should say you are the nicest girl in the school. (Eh, I realise I sound like a boy...) Dunno, you are really really good at pointing out errors in our bleeding WR, and is a real sight to see in the OP - like a news broadcaster.

Sidney: Eh, this one...let's just say he is responsible, really good at presenting, good at videos and manipulating Windows Vista. Has an aura of leadership - he didn't choose a wrong CCA in my opinion. Funny (no, not really funny haha and funny strange -more of a mix) person really.

Andrew: PW genius. No, really. He might be a little soft in our OP practices (in T1-2 the echoes amplified the sound so no problem there), but he is good at the figures. Photo manip, maps, graphs, formatting, yadda yadda...he did them all. Diamond in the rogue, one might say, since he rarely talks in class. He's good at doing the WR too.

And now I feel like I've slacked the entire PW through. Oh dear. True, I've set the basics of the project, but they did the rest. If I'm in another group...I'd be hung from a tree for my slackiness (is that a word?). Ai, even if I did do my part well, I thank these people here in the blog first before going to them personally and say - because without them, I don't know where the project will fly to. The Garbage Can? Perhaps. Or Multiple Drafts? Perhaps. Jia Ying's questions, Andrew's editing, Sidney's survey, the group's meetings...I hope that we'd get a good PW result at the end. Thank you.

2007-11-02T17:29:00.000+08:00

I am so glad I am me. Jasmine. This name is so common. But I am glad that I am here in this world. Glad to be able to see comedies. Glad to be able to make people laugh. Glad to see her. I am so glad she overcame her depression. Glad that she didn't think of suicide in her boyfriend's wake. I am glad she stayed on. I am glad to be able to see her smiles on-screen. I am glad to know of her existence. People said she is a joke, she is kind of old, but so what? She could make me laugh in dire times, think of the better things in life. She loved her profession and I love to she her do just that. No, I don't know her personally. She has a busy life of her own, and I have mine. She don't know me, definitely not. I don't know her past her face, her role onscreen, her past and her acting ability. But I like her a lot. Someday, I'd like to meet her personally, just to see her smile.

I might be considered deluded in this aspect. Oh well. You all just did not know, did you? Especially you. People said your smiles are not as sweet as another's. But I find it the most sincere. Not as sweet, perhaps. But definitely the most prettiest. You only lost to the smiles of my family.

One smile could change a life. One frown could destroy a life. One tantrum might invite a beating. You all know, though, how hard it is to keep a smile on most of the time. That is why I admire you. The only time you really broke down was when he died. The rest of the time it is just a facade, something to draw the audience to tears with the right sound effects to set the mood. I am not one to watch sad shows (one litre of tears excluded - that was my sis's recommendation) so I didn't mind not watching you in there. But the comedies, I watch it again and again (wasting my time, I know Shuwei), and was reminded on the better things in life.

I will try my best. I have stopped crying after the promos. What for? You do yours, I do mine. We are walking different roads. Life is a bowl of cherries. For each one eaten, it is sweet and it represents you doing something new. Why worry? You all will find someone who loves you like the world soon enough. You might just not know it.

Ten years, twenty years? I promise to smile. I also promise to stop emo-ing. My class had some problems with some planning and some PW. I'd like to help them, but well, it is likely that the more I help, the worse it become. Don't need me to be a busybody. But instead of accusing one another, try to make the other smile?

I don't mind not getting your friendship, your acknowledgement, your concern, if only you all will smile sincerely. If I know that I can do something to make you smile, I'll do it. I'm looking for other shows with you in there. I know that it is not me that you are smiling for, but I know that you are really happy in there. I sent my regards to you online. It's likely you can't read english though. Never mind, it is my thought that counts.

2007-10-29T23:01:00.001+08:00

Anyway, I don't know what you all are thinking. I have not enough worth, I guess, to play the game of love that is so common between teenagers nowadays. And though I can pick up some pretty infuriating comments that on one hand flatter me and on the other frustrate me, most of the time I don't hear anything. Which is good. I'd choose mundanity over anger-cum-happiness any day. And some of the comments really made me scrunch my fists and tell myself to edge away. Easy to anger, hard to appease. Those I consider good friends will understand this all too well. It took Shuwei to get angry with me and my memory to fade to let me actually stop being angry. It is always my friends. Always for the friendship that I stopped myself from exploding. But for my family, I do explode, but later will make amends. I've given up on anyone outside of this tiny little ring to provide me with more information than their names and their basic backgrounds. For the girls, asking is only hard when they are in groups, because they are unwilling to really say anything - varies with personalities, though. For the guys (in my scandalous class only), I've tried asking so that I can know them better and come off to everyone as trying to find a guy. Yea, so I'm lecherous. I have this look, ok? LOL. I hate not being in control at all.

Strange thing to say, but I am able to move around pretty nicely in Shuwei's class. People don't ignore me, people don't turn away, people don't frown at me when I talk to them one-on-one. As a class, they feel bonded. My class? Yea, we enjoy a class's company, but strangely...never mind.

I've heard from Su Yi. What a nice girl. I'll have to talk to her more often. Is she a seer or something? She predicted all my results SPOT-ON. Wow. And she said she knew me just too well. Hmm, I didn't notice. =( I know her, but not very well at all aside from her first 3 months' experiences.

2007-10-29T22:25:00.000+08:00

I do not support that law. What, I do know that gays do not need to flaunt their sexuality by doing sex, but I similarly do not want to marginalise these people. They have their own rights too. It is like they've committed a crime of sodomy or something. Ok, in religious terms, they are if they really do that. But I believe that what they do behind closed doors is absolutely of their decision. You think gays are disgusting? How selfish. Just because you conform to the society's rules doesn't mean that you could shout at others and say that they are gay or harass them. What, you have something against them is your problem. Don't vent it on people who tried to give them a voice. What they do do not concern you at all. Unless you say that their existence will be bad for society? What nonsense. The only thing they won't have is children, and perhaps, God's retribution. Otherwise, you can't say that they can't do sex. Or you are saying that you are gay too and would seek the help of these troubled people to relieve one night of loneliness? How pitiful.

Anyway, I got a bag. It is not the most expensive bag I've bought, but the most branded. Billabong. I've never said I wanted it. Looks like they've bought 5. Each child will have one. I looked at the price tag and the bag. Nice to touch, not big, and I don't know how durable it may be. What a waste. But never mind - they say that a bag like this is pretty trendy. I love beautiful things and I'd say that the company has a good eye on what women like.

2007-10-29T14:22:00.000+08:00

Never ever sit beside Sidney during the exam. Never. If it is not he who kept clicking his pen, it must be someone in the room. How irritatingly distracting. If you know who you are, just stop.

Anyway. I don't dare say anything la. The more I say the worse my marks become. But one thing - though I can ans all the questions, I was pressed for time. And another, the compo is...weird. Something about twins. I'm so gonna confuse the examiner.

2007-10-24T20:15:00.000+08:00

With this 3 posts in one day, I will permanently stop. No more reflections. No more hating. No more thinking of things outside my control. What for? I don't need them. I don't need any person's attention in MJC except the teachers and Shuwei. NO MORE BLOGGING. I am going to leave this JC unattached to anyone and everyone. You can be nice, I can like you. But I won't hanker for anything anymore. Am I part of my class? It doesn't matter. Does this person dislike me? Who cares? Why am I all alone? Isn't this what I have always wished for? Why am I left out? Left out of what? The reason why you need company is because you have nothing to do. I might come back into the blogosphere if there is anything extraordinarily happy, but anything else, though special, if is not prominent enough to be remembered till my death, will never be penned down online. This world sucks, not because of God (he had once tried to make it a paradise), but the people. They and their stupid rules/wars/discrimination concern me no more. I help when I want to, I do my own stuff. If I were to die due to my out-of-convention ideas, so be it. At least I did what I wanted to do. Sometimes people are really dense and overwhelmed by desire. To these people, I'll say: Go and do some reflection. I think you are the root of the problem.

2007-10-24T20:06:00.001+08:00

...2nd hate post drafted. This time it was myself.

Now I wonder if the heavens are playing a joke on me. My mum told me that good things happen to positive thinking people. Have good things happened? NO. Or perhaps I should lower my expectations a little. I haven't cried for a few weeks since the promos. But I am right. I would just reject people. One NO. I am too indecisive to say that word. Just one word, and I'd be free.